That is the only word to describe my escalating emotions. I’ve been such a good girl, stuffing down all of my anger and hurt and frustrations for the past 30 years. I turned the rage inwards, punishing myself for letting all of the bad shit happen to me—as if, somehow, all of this has been my fault. I learned to expect so very little out of life and oh how little it delivered. I’ve tried to balance this out by recognizing all the good achieved in spite of all the obstacles, but I’m so angry all the time now. My jaw aches from the tension of clenched teeth keeping the screams inside.
The depression was such a good buffer, lulling me into a blase state of mind until I just didn’t give a fuck anymore and very nearly let go permanently. Due to the nasal surgery last autumn, though, the depression is gone and now I’m feeling everything full force. And what I am feeling is PISSED OFF.
I’m angry at those motherfucking assholes who hurt the innocent girl. And the ones that stood by and let it happen. I’m angry at the ones that trapped and tortured the helpless teen. I’m angry at my father who just threw me away when he left. I’m angry at my mother who, even though she actually stayed, abandoned me (us) too. I’m angry at ALL of them for completely screwing up any chance of me being goddamn normal, and turning me into a fucking cliche.
Most of all I’m angry at myself. I know, logically, that the things that happened to me were not my fault but I just can’t seem to believe it. I have spent my whole life maintaining these defenses to keep the hurt out only to discover that what I did was wall the hurt IN. I let people take advantage of me and accepted the continued run of ‘bad luck’ because I didn’t think I deserved any better. That is so fucked up.
I’m frustrated that I cannot just LET GO of this shit. I hate that I take a baby step forward only to find myself figuratively huddled in the corner rocking myself to sleep. I want to stop feeling guilty for standing up for myself. I want to be able to protect myself the way I protect all of my loved ones. I want to be able to look at men clearly, cleanly, normally. I want to forget. I want to swear. I want to shout. I want to PUNCH THINGS. I want to make something hurt, make something else take this pain, I’ve had it long enough. Enough!
