I think I realized today that he never cared for me and I was the glue holding this fake relationship together. At first when I would replay our conversations it was mostly good times that I would repeat and lately the bad times from last weeks final goodbye. However I noticed that the signs were always there however I choose to ignore them in my selfish attempt to have what I wanted.

One of my girlfriends explained that I have an obsessive personality. When I want something or just think something should go a certain way then I’m relentless. I believe in something that is not there. And the funny thing about her comment is years ago I copied this motivational quote from a book I read which stated “We can want something so bad that we make believe we have it when we don’t” I thought I had a relationship however upon reflection we never had a relationship. So I got pregnant because I wanted to be pregnant. And maybe I thought it would draw us closer. Before anyone critizes me, I know I’m not the only female who has attempted this tactic. Just think about the marriages that are breaking up and the baby is used to keep him (either by the wife or husband).

But don’t misunderstand me, I did love him and I did want to spend the rest of my life with him. However it wasn’t to be because he never felt the same for me. And that’s okay. Naw, that’s a lie it’s not okay. He never should have lied to me about loving me then I wouldn’t be here in this situation mourning the miscarriage that I suffered.

In the end, I want him to suffer just like I am. Unfortunately, I will not be there to witness his suffering. I hate that I let myself get carried away just because I want to be in a relationship. Just because I want to love and be loved. Crazy I know however these are my feelings.

Not see or contact him in any way/any form for 60 days. My goal is much longer than that however I believe we will all suffer from wanting to dial (even if it’s just to hang up). However I know the sound of his voice will interrupt my journy to complete this goal and to move forward and not look back at my mistake.

Well, I had a lot to say because I wanted to get this stuff off my chest.

Thanks for reading. This is a good way for me to express myself and not leave all of my frustrations trapped in my body.