At least.. But probably I should continue after that for the rest of my days. I realized I was in a place, a sad place. I am in a place I do not want to stay anymore because I want to live and be happy.

I had sent an email to my now distant wife, I met her online six years ago and I was the one ‘blinded by love’ who moved away to new england from the northwest. Well, now after she quit the bond, I did the best I could, immediately gave her all my pay coming $4000 roughly, and left for a planned 30 day break away from it all.
We are counseling 1 on 1 with the same counselor different times of the week. Mine by phone remotely. (do I call her ex now?.. naw.. the judge will do that. Then after that I will never utter those words ex-wife.. NEVER) Not long after my old mate told me that basicly the counselor wanted a 1-2 year separation. And then she said, without intimacy… ouch. It had already been very little love.

But.. I could spend toooooo long on details, I think although I tried, I must reach my final stage of acceptance. The email I got tonight was 1 line. I had sent several detailed letters attempting to get through to the whole picture.

It has been 2 weeks of actually feeling death. owwww. pain. owwww. owwww. I have been blessed in life even with a pretty big family compared to most at mid 30’s I have never even lost anyone to real death. So this divorce is sorta a double whammy. hurts so bad.

But I realized after no calls.. no emails.. when there was phone conversation.. as I tried to find solutions to things… in the end, I was told I was fighting.. gosh the pain. well.. I realized that I have to change sooooo bad.
The article I read is at; http://www.divorcetransitions.com/articles/grief.htm I hope it will also come in handy for others.

I think I am down to depression because I relate to a few steps already happening. I know because I was doing the barter step 3 and 4 days ago believing I will just get a new mate and all will work out fine. But then things got really bad on Wednesday… and we talked on the phone for only a little bit.. in the end I failed. I guess I don’t work for her.

So I really am hurting and I don’t know what to do, so even though my Dad is NOT! like into this kind of trauma he and my step-mom have been helping me soo much. I feel loss I just can’t explain. My two babies are with her also, 3000 miles away!

So I started talking to dad and he mentioned steps of grief. ANd there were articles on the web. He emailed me one later.

I need help. And I don’t know where to start.
So I start with the fact that I just cannot talk to her anymore until I am well. I mean as far as the kids go and such we will be around our kids for life so nice we will be.

But other than that… pain. PAIN THE WILL GO!! I WANT TO START THE HEALING PROCESS.

And so for the first time in my life I am going to face this PAIN!!! PAIN!!! that has lingered in my soul, my heart, my mind for 30+ years. I did not have a mother to hold, or hold me, without going into words too long to cound, it did not exist.. and now the wife I applied as my mother as well is gone. I want to stand and face this and it will not rule me inside anymore. NO MORE! NO MORE! I DECLARE TODAY!! I RULE YOU PAIN!!!

Being 4 when my parents divorced I lost something holy…
I never wanted it for my two so I feel pain and guilt there…

But I need help knowing what to do..

Is it totally about reading??
Cause I better if that is it.

It pry also is about getting away from it..
Like after the last brief and also unpassionate emails.. I started to reply but thank goodness I closed my browser.
I just said to myself, this is hurting me….!!!!! this does not feel good!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

And I will I start to feel better when I stop letting this situation control me????

I don’t know!!! I never had parents!!!
The answer has to be yes, because everything is opposite in the universe right????
So it stands to reason, no communicating with her I will feel better. Nough said bout that I guess.

I need to heal. I am starting to read a magazine about bodies and stuff called prevention.. I need to learn how to take care of myself cause no there is 0 to take care of me.

And I am planning to get off paxil and onto something more helpful, I gained 100 pounds.

Then I need to read alot more stuff and journal I guess.

It said to journal till I feel done..

I am feeling a little better..

The 5th step is acceptance.. I know acceptance will bring peace.

We tried. We really did.. No because the first chapter of life can never be changed. BECAUSE IT CANT BE CHANGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DID YOU HEAR THAT SELF??? you cannot change it!!!!!!

So embrace the future, today. Live for God, Joy, Peace, Love, Harmony, togetherness now. k?