Easy for you? You’re lucky. For years, habits were something to be beaten over the head with. I have bad ones you see.

But if I was predictable, if she knew what I valued, etc. it got derided, sneered at, etc. so I learned right quick to act as if nothing really mattered. I hid what was precious to me, like Gollum, a bit I suppose, away in the dark. Guarding that “treasure” became my life’s work. That treasure was a part of me, what part I do not know exactly, but I know for years on end I held something back and away from others and projected an image, a persona.

Guardian no longer, no guards required.

Do you know that what’s precious to a three year old isn’t very special to a 54 year old? And I have, or rather…don’t have all the connective tissue that happens with normal aging and maturity. The parts of me that I held tight, kept away from others are pieces of a very young girl, and although I’m immensely grateful that my young self could divide herself thusly to keep some parts of her safe, I have no idea how to grow the little girl bits up to the 54 year old rest of me.

Mostly, I ignore this as it seems to usually be a nonissue.

jkd