Recently i’ve forgotten to write my journal- I always have so much to do. Since i last wrote, i’ve moved out of my house and into a new rented accomadation. The house is absolutely beautiful and i’ve very lucky the landlord accepted my 17 pets! Fortunately i also have a friend who would house my pets on his land should i ever be in a position where i need this. I’m very blessed.

When i last wrote. I was coming to the point where i had been shut out of my database. This one act from the company that had promised me the subscription for the year caused me to lose hope totally. I could no longer do the work i needed too as the database was totally intergral to me making money in a short space of time. Of course i do always have the option to do things the long way, but it would have also cost me alot more than i could afford at the time to sustain the business at that point.

So instead i decided to put it on hold. I got a job working for a company that was the equivilent of hell for me doing sales order processing. I felt like i had regressed in every way, in terms of salary, the emotional states i was in on a daily basis. I had debt collectors knocking at the door hounding me for money which i didn’t have. I had people constantly phoning and harrasing me. Eventually it all became too much. I resigned to the fact that i was going to lose my house.

My salary was one of only £800 per month, not enough to even pay the mortgage and the secured loan i had outstanding. My expenses being at around £2200 a month, i had no chance of maintaining what i had built. I tried to hang on to my hope that i would somehow get the money from somewhere, but it never came. I desperately had to get out of that house, emotionally i was suffering so deeply and my health was damaged.

Not only did i have to go to work at a job i hated and found no value in, i was been downtroden by my collegues who told me what a failure i was for trying and that i couldn’t do anything and look where i had ended up. I fell into a spiral of negative thinking. I became angry with everyone around me, i was so difficult to live with, snapping at my little brother, my boyfriend, arguing with the people at work.

As my emotions screamed at me how much pain i was in , how much despair, i just ignored them, like this wasn’t happening to me. I sank deeper and deeper until the point where i couldn’t take it any more. I couldn’t take how loud my emotions were. I was in complete agony. I couldn’t bear hurting the people around me anymore because i was in so much pain, with my words. So i talked it through with my boyfriend and told him i’d go on some antidepressants to see if it would help.

The same night he spoke to me of how it wasn’t surprising i was in such distress if i was avoiding acknowledging my emotions. I’d become emotionally detached. The pain was just to much and i just wanted to ignore it was there and try think about something else. Instead he guided me and supported me in clearly acknowledging my emotions. I know this may seem strange, but i’d lost the ability to even know what it meant to acknowledge my emotions. I thought i was acknowledging them. I could hear them , wasn’t it enough, even if i didn’t want to deal with them? I thought. So instead i internally said to myself- i acknowledge these emotions, and rather than turning away and trying to escape these internal feelings. I let myself be with them.

Within days, almost immediately i experienced a profound change within myself. I’d managed to master my emotions. I didn’t know that such a simple phrase could be so effective. The intention of acknowledging my emotions took me to a place where i did so and where i could then process what i was feeling. From here on things became better, my emotions became quieter as i listened to the message they were giving me.

I noticed that whenever i would try and deny what i was feeling, for example if i was feeling in pain & tried to tell myself it was okay, i was met with a resounding emotional ” it’s not okay” feeling and seemed to get stuck in this loop of self negativity and despair. However if i continued to acknowledge the painful feelings by internally repeating the phrase i acknowledge these feelings of deep pain- or whatever it was i was going through, they subsided and my mind and body became still.

To me this was a great revelation and let me to understand on a deep level the suffering of others. So many people experience panic attacks, like i did in the past and depression and other negative feelings and the reason as far as i can establish that this is a continued problem is because people fail to acknowledge that things are difficult and take positive actions to change what is not working in there lifes.

Almost every self help book i’ve read talks about overriding what nature has graced us with, our ability to feel emotion. They talk of positive thinking, of over-riding thoughts. Even NLP has distinct negative aspects to it if not used correctly as it can leave the emotions and the mind confused. Not one book i have read, says to deeply acknowledge the feelings that you are going through and be with them. The only area of my life i ever learnt this was when i was going through some grief healing and sat through dindayal morgans tape of emotional recovery. This was a concept brought to me by a yoga practicioner.

Of course positive thinking is good, but not if it means not dealing with the things in your life that are problematic and painful and truly do need to be acknowledged and real action taken to resolve these things and issues of a persons life. I’m very happy that i can put some of these things together on my healing website that i am developing and community that i am building to help others who may have experienced similar things to myself.

So where was i. Ah yes, my house is a month away from repossession. The hearing is on the 8th of June. My house is currently unoccupied however as i’ve moved out the majority of my things into my new home in a much nicer part of town. I absolutely love wakign up on a morning and being surrounded by such beauty. Things are much more in touch with nature here. The houses surrounding and gardens are all very pleasant. The house is not suffering from any kind of sick building syndrome. My other house had massive mold problems which i had to deal with and the air seemed quite toxic on leaving the house.

I feel that god has intervened abit as that house was causing me all sorts of health problems and it wasn’t good to hold onto something that was not good for me. My boyfriend helped me with moving. We managed to move our things in by mid march and the tenancy is up at the end of august as far as i’m aware. I hope though that i can renew the contract. If this is not possible however, i’m fortunate i’ve been able to live here for six months.

My boyfriend and i felt out over him drinking the other night, it’s been nice to have the house to myself for a few days whilst he cools off and it was lovely meeting my sister in town to get a birthday present for my grandma and have dinner with her and my grandad yesterday. I also managed to get to pets at home and the vets. So it ended up being quite a productive day. Except it did cost me somewhere in the region of £170 through vets fees, animal feeds and bedding and travel.

On Thursday my three month contract at the job i hated ended thank the heavens and i’m now going to focus my attention on my business and find a career to run along side that is more inline with who i am as a person. I may also go back to volunteering with horses- i did this for a short spell, but then things became to much when i started to move house so i put this on hold for awhile.

I’m so thankful that i’m now moved in and settled and that i’ve got all my pets here, my boyfriend and i can live comfortably without anyone knocking on the door. I will redirect my mail to avoid my creditors for awhile. As i now have no assets to lose, i’m not particular bothered what they want as i have the right to deny them access to my house and can keep them at bay for only a few pounds a month. Worst case senario i go bankrupt and then that’s as bad as it can get financially for me.

It’s been an experience. I look forward to recovering this year and moving ahead with my business plans as i now have access to the database again and have no work commitments so can relaunch on tuesday 5th of may. This co-insides with a very special day for me, so i consider it quite fortunate that my means to run my business would be given back to me on this date.

As for my plans now. I need to figure out what these are. I’ve taken a few knocks and had set backs- but i can always get up and move forward with what it is i want to do. I’m still suffering at the moment, but i’m sure this will ease as things in my life become more on an even keel and the things that need doing get done, such as picking up the remainder of my clothes from the other house, calling the landlord, sorting my debts and cutting the grass. When i’m ontop of all the little things it will be easier to make room for my pretty magnificent dreams. For now i’ll take time to rest and gather my resources.