At the moment I am not having any luck with this. I pretty much stepped back from what I thought I wanted to do and am back at square one. I feel as aimless as ever. It’s true I haven’t done much to fix my situation for a long time now. The day I decided to move in with my brother and his wife five years ago I thought I would just be helping them out by babysitting my baby nephew until he was big enough and they found a reliable person to care for him. A lot has happened since then, with the addition of my two-year old (soon to be three-years old) niece.
All my life I have always had a “caretaker” role. People feel they can trust me and they have always counted on me on being the “responsible one”. I don’t expect anything in return, but I do believe it is good karma helping out where I can, if I can. Looking back on it now I don’t want to say I regret putting off fixing my life. But I feel I should have done things differently. Don’t get me wrong, I love my little nephew and little niece dearly. I love them with all my heart, like they were my own kids. But yeah I realized that I always want to be there for them and my family and try to do what’s right, something my brother and I think our father never did for us. Our father wasn’t exactly the best of role models but I always tried to see past his faults because after all he is my dad. Lord knows our uncle (his brother) and my grandmother (his mother) tried their best to help repair our distant relationship with our father.
Right now I honestly don’t know what I want to do. I still feel like I did 5-6 years ago. Lately I have been thinking about California, Florida, South America. I think about calling up my father’s side of the family and see if I can stay with one of my uncles and find something to do with my life. Or I think about maybe hooking up with my old high school friend down in Miami and find something to do down there. All of these ideas seem like escapist ideas I know but honestly my mind is numb from worrying and not finding any direction in my life. I have to re-map my life. Here’s to making (realistic) plans that stick.