Binge eating is one of those things that always has stopped me fulfulling my ambitions and kept me hiding away from people for years. I cannot eat ‘bad’ food without binging on them. With me I’m either restricting to the point of semi-starvation or eating all the wrong foods to the point when I’m actually scared that I’ll rip my stomach apart. It’s not so much eating for pleasure, it’s more eating to punish myself. It doesn’t make sense at all.
I know that I need to lose weight but all I tend to do nowadays is go out to buy a whole load of junk food and then force it down me quickly through the day with intervals of a few hours to see if I could stuff it down me later.
I had been restricting (eating very very less – started at 300 calories but then went down to about 40-70 calories a day towards the end) and exercising as well – burning more then I consumed. I’d been restricting for about 5 1/2 months and lost 45 pounds. I was almkost feeling good about myself again but then last wednesday something happened. Because I was getting even strangers telling me I was ‘skinny’ and some telling me I looked ill – I got really emotional about the ‘ill’ part. I felt like I was killing myself and was unable to sleep and constantly in pain from lack of food. So I began to eat. First few days were unbarable as I was in so much pain from eating processed food and a lot more food then usual. I didn’t have healthy food anymore but suddenly began to eat things like burgers and cookies. Although I couldn’t fit in much food on those first few days, I stuffed as much as would go down. I had extremely bad stomach pains but I continued eating.
Now over a week later and I still am eating badly. I have gained about 23lbs in about 1 1/2 weeks. I have swollen feet and a swollen stomach and feel awful about all the weight gain but I still eat to the point of being in extreme pain. It needs to stop I know as every day I’m feeling sick and in pain. I want the food to taste nice like it used to when I was a kid but it no longer does. Everything tasted the same really. I always have a bad taste in my mouth no matter what I eat. I’ve wasted so much money in this time on food, I look awful and feel like all that hard work of previous months is lost now anyway. This has to stop! I feel depressed about so many things but things were really on the up for me. I don’t know why I had to ruin everything.I know I should lose weight the ‘proper’ way. I cannot stop restricting for months and then ruining it by binging for a few weeks – sometimes just a few days with very quick weight gain. I wish I could just be in the middle but with me it’s all of nothing.