In the past few years, my self confidence has taken a nose-dive. I’m not really sure what the problem is. It’s basically rooted in my upbringing, and my relationships have never helped much. It feels like it’s coming to a head now, and I’m starting to feel like as though I’m on the verge of becoming a recluse because of it. I’ve always attributed a lot of it to my weight, although you’d laugh if you saw me, because even I know that I’m not very overweight at all – as of today I have 12 pounds to lose, so I’m by no means obese. I’m just not comfortable in my own skin anymore, although I’m not sure I ever was. I’ve become convinced that no one likes me, that I’m awkward with people and that I’m not good at anything, and I think that serves as a self-fulfiliing prophesy.

I’m not quite sure how to turn these feelings around. Trying new things is probably a good idea. I’ve become entrenched in my comfort zone in every aspect of my life, and I can’t seem to push myself to do anything outside of it. I feel so afraid and certain of failure that I don’t do anything. I’m always amazed by people around me who are so confident, they think they can do everything, and I wind up being jealous and spiteful. I wasn’t really brought up to push myself, my family has always been devoted to the status quo of what’s an acceptable way to live your life, and in a way my family has always been very critical of people who do unusual things, so it’s sort of ingrained in me to be afraid of that, because I know I’ll be ostracized.

I’ve also been considering therapy, although that in itself is intimidating. I think I need to find something somewhat small that I’m intimidated by, and force myself to do it. Working through some of these 43 things probably wouldn’t be a bad idea either. They all stare me in the face taunting me, and I think deep down I sincerely feel that I’m incapable of doing most of them.