lebomatseke 43things oh how I missed you!!!
It’s strange how everything makes so much sense once and then you do a double take and wonder what the hell you were thinking. I’ve always idolised my father, it’s taken so long to admit that, and I realise now that once I started doing that I lost myself. When I was in high school I was so sure of myself I knew I would be an actress in big major films getting academy awards. I prepared speeches, had interviews with myself, did acting etc. But then I got to university and realised that there were so many more people that wanted the same thing as I did.
I was suddenly not important and that was propbably the first memory I had about giving up because of fear. I just gave up. I didn’t do go to auditions because I had given up the moment I found out about them, maybe even before that.
Second year I figured maybe I should write screenplays as I got the top marks for this tv scriptwriting class. They called me to do write a few scripts for this tv programme. I didn’t call back.
Third year I try a class for screenwriting and give up after being told that my idea wasn’t too good. Fourth year I decide I’ll get in the media industry but realised I had to study a post grad business diploma.
I applied and already gave up- an drama student in a business school ‘yeah right’- I somehow got in and had a fabulous year meeting cool people. I had already given up on the ‘you could do this business thing’ idea and moved on.
Decided to move on to study something I knew from my undergrad post grad in mass communication and journalism in India. Applied into a dodgy school got in but ended up going to an even stranger place even though the girls were cool (it was an institute for women). My lecturer offered me a chance to do an internship at a magazine. Great opportunity! I wrote a few articles, they liked them and asked me to stay I said ‘no, I have to go home now’. I mean I love India, I love my experience there I had the most amazing time and I didn’t really fight to stay there for this once in a lifetime experience. I just gave up. Got back and did nothing for a while then I got my current job: something that has nothing to do with what I wanted to do.
Funnily enough I didn’t want to write in the first place. My friend says I tell her weird and interesting stories but I always imagined them on screen not print. Now I’ve decided to take a chance and break away and fly but all of a sudden three days to go and I’m worried I won’t be able to do this. Nine years. Nine bloody years of being scared and now I’m back there. No ways. I’m not letting this bull get a hold of me. It’s so scary. I’m not sure whether it will be good or what. My goal is just to get a printed full story and try get a publisher.
The reason why I’m adding this entry into this goal is that all this time I’ve been following others footsteps, or rather their statements about me, in trying to find a niche in any space. I depended on others and I trusted them to know me better than myself. As I write this down I’m thinking ‘how absurd, nobody knows you better than yourself’ but even now I’m asking my friends, family and everybody else whether they believe that I can do this.
I guess the truth is that when you learn to fly you take all the fear spread your wings and let go. There’s nobody there to help you out they can shout encouragement but they can’t do it for you. When you leap out and fly it’s you alone who is confronting your fears. Easier said than done. I need to remind myself of the times I’ve given up so that I don’t make that mistake again even when things do go bad. It’s time to stop being scared.
This is for those that have been in a similar position. I’m not saying do something dramatic and quit your job I mean just jump and fly. Even if it’s a hop or a skip if you know that this is the right thing to do go for it. Let your passion drive you because you will find a point where you want to give up and that will be the only thing moving you forward. I make it sound so easy but I’m still shaking in my boots. I guess it just feels good to write it down. I’ve never documented the moments of fear that have changed the turning points in my life. I mean what if I did audition, write for the show, stay in India or took my ideas seriously. It’s nine years down the line and I can’t ask that I just need to learn and jump.