SallyKitt "Action is the antidote to despair" - Joan Baez

re-gain my self-confidence (read all 6 entries…)
I guess just making it a goal doesn't make it magically come true. 6 months ago

I feel like a failure in so many aspects of my life. Intellectually I know that I am doing fine, but I feel stuck in my job—which I love and hate by turns—and I want to do something to be of service but can’t quite figure out what.

Visiting family on vacation was wonderful. They are great for my self-esteem. We’re a loving bunch. I wish I didn’t live 2000 miles away, but I don’t really want to live there again.

I find myself feeling desperately sad. I used to be the Pollyanna in every group. What happened?

Here are the things I see as eroders of my self-esteem:

1) 40 pounds overweight (there, I said it out loud)
2) Increasing isolation from friends (so many have drifted out of my weekly life, and my dearest local friend is moving to the opposite coast this month)
3) Isolation from my supportive family (although I do call them often)
4) Lack of recent publications of writing or photography
5) Work situation less than stable
6) Not particularly flattering hair cut.
7) Middle age in general
8) Lack of a current writing project that I really believe in…lack of ability to muster faith in myself as a writer due to continued indifference from publishers
9) Sudden onset of uncharacteristic sense that I have wasted my life. Never wanted kids, but I see people getting so much good out of their relationships, and I am sad to be on the periphery of all that all of a sudden.
10) Lack of involvement in my community

Okay, so I guess that gives me an idea of what to work on. I have started (another) fitness/weight loss program and am trying to feel optimistic about it. Gonna go work on my writing…No matter how little it seems to matter, at least I can say I’ve written.

Jul 01, 10:50AM PDT | 17 cheers


Comments:

Tiisi

Sweetheart,

I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m reading Mill on the Floss right now and last night the contrast between Maggie and Tom reminded me of you, in the way that her deep passions could be so useful in intellectual or creative work. I don’t know why, but your face kept coming to mind as I read. Middle age is an odd time of reckoning, isn’t it? I sometimes realize that I’m 40 and living off the charity of my family and wonder what in the hell happened to me.

I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re writing. I’m glad you had time with your family. Take good care of you, dear.

Jul 01, 10:56AM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 5 cheers

SallyKitt "Action is the antidote to despair" - Joan Baez

Thanks so much, Tiisi

It felt a little weak and whiny to come here and air my dismay, but I really appreciate your words. I’m flattered that I would come to mind in any context. Will have to reread the Mill.

I’m glad you’re writing too. Love your one-sentence journal on Facebook.

Jul 01, 01:19PM PDT | Respond to this 2 cheers

~ Julie ~

{{{{Sally}}}}

I find myself feeling desperately sad.
What you have written, I am feeling. I have been going through a sadness lately that I am not able to discribe or put into words yet. I feel that I have lost my hope…

Jul 01, 11:32AM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 6 cheers

SallyKitt "Action is the antidote to despair" - Joan Baez

So sorry to hear it...

I have a feeling that, trite as it sounds, this whole economic upheaval is impacting us all emotionally too. It’s just hard to have a lot of faith in building a future.

As Joan Baez said, “Action is the antidote to despair.” So let’s try to stay active, physically and socially, and not give in to lost hope.

Jul 01, 01:20PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 4 cheers

~ Julie ~

Thanks

Now that you say that… I am in the middle of my own economic crisis of sorts. :/

Jul 02, 09:00AM PDT | Respond to this 1 cheer

phensy what comes is better than what came before.

Hope is

the sun rising every day.

Hope is
breathing in and out
slowly
deeply
then feeling the possibilities
of life in every blood cell.

Hope is
a letter, a phone call, an email, a word
from a friend,
or a smile from a stranger
just acknowledging that we are there.

Hope is
that feeling that even though
you have swam as far as your body can go
there are hands holding you afloat
guiding you back to shore.

Hope is
people the world over
dreaming every single night
of a brand new day
and then waking in the morning
to find their dreams came true.

Jul 01, 03:39PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 8 cheers

Axx

What

fabulous words….............

loss of hope is really a sinking feeling, sometimes you are able to tread water and get a few deep breaths in before going under again.

Sometimes the hands that hold you afloat do so so very gently that you don’t know that they are there and they may not stop the fear and panic from taking hold. Maybe a tighter grip is needed so that those hands are felt and comfort can be found in them.

Jul 01, 04:05PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 5 cheers

~ Julie ~

Your words

are just as fabulous and exactly describe the feeling I am having lately.

Jul 01, 06:21PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 1 cheer

Axx

Sometimes

it is good to know that we are not treading water on our own…..........

Thank you…........

Jul 01, 06:33PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 1 cheer

That it is - ~ Julie ~

flowergirlresumed Due to snow ~ Work and School are cancelled

You put it so well Restless

It brung a tear to me eye it did (cockney accent when reading please) ;)

Jul 02, 01:43AM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 2 cheers

Axx

The thing is

that often you can hear the voices that are telling you that they have you supported, but the water distorts what you hear….... you have to feel it too.

Jul 02, 01:45AM PDT | Thread | Respond to this

I know... - flowergirlresumed
trust it is - Axx
Yep - flowergirlresumed
It does sit there - Axx
As social beings - flowergirlresumed
I think - Axx
The point is - phensy
Now you've - flowergirlresumed
That is just it - Axx
I understand that - phensy
the problem with - Axx
I don't believe - phensy
Oh gosh - Axx
Well in all my rantings - phensy
That goes - Axx
And that - phensy
Not sure - Axx
Of course its shared!! - phensy
It's one thing - Axx
From your writing - flowergirlresumed
A few - Axx
Well that's the state of education now - flowergirlresumed
In 8 years of teaching - Axx
Is it - flowergirlresumed
Anything - Axx
Oh lovie - flowergirlresumed
so glad - Axx
Theres a world - phensy
Of course you - Axx
It's only - phensy
See that is just it - Axx
I understand where you are coming from - flowergirlresumed
It is harsh - Axx
Well lets - phensy
We can make - Axx
Well - phensy
Maybe it's worth discussing - SallyKitt
See - Axx
I've kind of had it both ways - SallyKitt
Heh! - SallyKitt

~ Julie ~

You have the

knack to know what I need to hear… :)

{{{{Phensy}}}}

Jul 01, 06:20PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 2 cheers

phensy what comes is better than what came before.

We all need

hope, and from time to time we need to have it renewed for us. This place, this community of varied folks, spread all around the world, is a great place to do that. I do believe, that here there is always plenty of hope to go around.

Jul 02, 01:40AM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 3 cheers

~ Julie ~

I am glad

someone one is holding on to my hope right now. I haven’t seen to much of hope lately. I know its just that I am in the middle of things right now and can not see it around me. :/

Jul 14, 02:12PM PDT | Respond to this 2 cheers

flowergirlresumed Due to snow ~ Work and School are cancelled

Being acknowledged in life

through a smile or kind words, all such powerful healers. These things that can seem simple and perhaps meaningless at times are in fact the acts that help us to keep going during trying times. Hope convinces us to see beyond the darkness. Thanks for posting this Phensy, it’s gorgeous as usual

Jul 02, 01:52AM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 3 cheers

~ Julie ~

I wish I had

more than a simple cheer to give…

Jul 06, 08:09AM PDT | Respond to this 3 cheers

razz51

Sister,

You are not alone! As Tiisi said, middle age is an odd time of reckoning. A few years ago I thought I was doing really well, good job, nice family, few worries. Then I got laid off, lost my Mom, my dog, and my self-esteem just felt flogged. I’m 58 and my SO paid off my mortgage so I wouldn’t lose my home, my daughter is repaying a loan I made her that I had no intention of accepting payment on. I just interviewed for a retail job that is probably beyond my physical abilities but one I probably won’t get, either! I’ve come to value my extra 10 pounds (it used to be 20) for when I fell on my rear end I sported a huge bruise but did not break my poor osteoporatic hip!

Hang in there because you truly are not alone.

Jul 01, 12:27PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 5 cheers

SallyKitt "Action is the antidote to despair" - Joan Baez

It's interesting...

how events external to us, or not of our own causing, can impact our self-esteem.

So sorry to hear about your mother and dog. That’s so hard.

Okay, so I’ll be glad when I get down to that last 10 pounds that are so hard to get off and will consider them insurance. :)

Thanks,

Jul 01, 01:23PM PDT | Respond to this 1 cheer

RuthG raises a toast for a fruitful 2010!

Writer's Middle-Age Malaise

Let’s call it an official syndrome. Very normal feelings!

I had never thought about the possibility that a poet might have a slight advantage in terms of getting published – our works are shorter & so we can produce more of them & thus have more to send out, which means our chances of acceptance are higher. Oh, also most journals publish many more poems than stories, again because the former are shorter.

But even so, I’m sure in both genres we always suspect ourselves of underachieving, of not reaching our potential. I think it just goes with the territory.

As for service: I think back on the equestrian writing class you taught a year or two ago. That seemed such a good thing for both you & the girls. Any chance you could pick up a project like that again?

Hugs & solidarity!

Jul 01, 01:53PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 8 cheers

SallyKitt "Action is the antidote to despair" - Joan Baez

Solidarity! I like it!

Yeah, I think I have just about always felt I haven’t lived up to my presumed potential.

I think it’s probably just as hard for poets to get published, so don’t diminish your own success a whit!

I am torn about the teaching thing. The timing of the class was really bad…made me leave work early and sometimes I had to do more work at home afterward. It was very stressful and I honestly don’t think I want to work with girls that age…or at least not one who aren’t really interested in writing. (Though I am probably going to volunteer to help paint the new barn at Taking the Reins!) I’d like to offer a class locally, but haven’t really formulated what it would be.

Thanks for the hugs and wise words, Ruth.

Jul 01, 02:09PM PDT | Respond to this 4 cheers

(This comment was deleted.)

Jul 01, 02:25PM PDT

Axx

There is certainly

something in the water here at 43, your post has described much of the internal turmoil that I have been going through for the past few months….......... turmoil that reached its zenith through last week…...

What you describe about your weight, isolation and work rings true, and could have been taken straight from my thoughts.

Hugs to you, and many thanks for articulating things I have been trying to.

Jul 01, 04:08PM PDT | Respond to this 4 cheers

SimplyStacey Happy New Year! Happy New Decade!

OK, I deleted my earlier comment...

Cause I think I sounded a little callous! All I meant is that I can really relate. I am so sorry that you feel sad…and I have real bouts with that too, for a lot of the same reasons.

Honestly, although I was very happy my novel got picked up at all, it is such a small publisher that I will make literally almost no money on it, and sometimes it makes me feel embarrassed and loser-ish. I haven’t done nearly what I hope to do with my writing.

And I feel that my work situation is quite unstable too, and it does suck. And your family and friends issues all apply to me.

So I understand, is all I’m saying.

What can I do to help? At least as far as the writing goes, I was thinking, “ooh, we should be critique partners and help each other become successes!” But you already have a critique group! So, never mind :) But I do think you’re crazy talented and you’re correct in feeling your stuff hasn’t gotten the recognition it deserves. (YET.)

PS You have fabulous hair. I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t true!

Jul 01, 04:12PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 8 cheers

SallyKitt "Action is the antidote to despair" - Joan Baez

The "If I Did It, It Must Not Be That Great" syndrome

Isn’t that something? Before you found the publisher, in spite of your highest hopes, I’ll bet that this looked like success. And it is! I have a friend who has published five books with small presses and she still feels as desolate about her chances of publishing the one she just finished as any of us.

A UCLA friend and I discussed this a long time ago. Getting into UCLA as transfers? Not such a big deal if we did it. Getting into the competitive creative writing specialization? Not so difficult if I did it. Graduating with honors? Must not be that special if we did it. Sigh.

Actually, my live-action writing group is down to two people as soon as Braveheart leaves town..which she effectively has, even though escrow doesn’t close until the 22nd. She hasn’t really been able to focus on writing much in the past few months.

So maybe we should consider critiqueing each other! I have been working on some stuff I keep calling Yellow Notepad Secrets, which is memoir-ish stuff, which my group likes… but you know, as much as I respect them, do they just know me too well? Is it partly in the reading aloud?

We could try it out. I certainly enjoyed the chapter you let me read a long time ago.

Jul 02, 09:58AM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 3 cheers

SimplyStacey Happy New Year! Happy New Decade!

Ha! You're right...

That syndrome is part of it! The other thing has to do with the attitudes of a professional organization I belong to, but I won’t go into that here. It’s so boring, and besides, this thread is about you!

I like the idea of trying out being writing partners! And believe me, I would not say that to many people! Maybe we can set goals together, be lovingly brutal with each other’s work, and get famous together ;)

The Yellow Notepad stuff sounds interesting! Let’s figure out what to send each other after the holiday weekend! Or if you change your mind and don’t want to, that’s cool too!

Jul 02, 04:35PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 1 cheer

SallyKitt "Action is the antidote to despair" - Joan Baez

Let's do!

I have a history of working with one writer (a form of serial monogamy) outside my writing group for extended periods, and I’ve been “unattached” for a while now.

So, we’ll be in touch on Monday… You have my aol email address?

Jul 03, 08:24AM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 2 cheers

SimplyStacey Happy New Year! Happy New Decade!

Yay!! I need your email again...

I think it was in my old planner :)

Jul 03, 09:26AM PDT | Respond to this 1 cheer

SallyKitt "Action is the antidote to despair" - Joan Baez

Oh and...

Your deleted comment came to my mailbox and it wasn’t callous at all. Nicely manicured, in fact… It left me wanting more! :)

Jul 02, 09:59AM PDT | Respond to this 2 cheers

Colleen_C_C Carpe Diem.

It's good

to see you posting here again, Sally. smile

I’m thinking of you! hugs

Jul 01, 05:10PM PDT | Respond to this 6 cheers

mrcreed Moderatio Est Figmentum

its like

you wrote out all of my feelings! i have been thinking/feeling similarly…especially hit home with number nine, that is a constant in my mind lately.

i wish i knew what to say to help out…just know that you made me feel a little better knowing i am not so alone in some of those feelings. =)

Jul 01, 07:13PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 3 cheers

Axx

number 9

is the big one isn’t it…...... the one that really says it all….......

Jul 02, 01:42AM PDT | Thread | Respond to this

SallyKitt "Action is the antidote to despair" - Joan Baez

I'm not much into regret

And I didn’t think I’d be a great parent. But looking at what people have and haven’t done in the same time for their kids, I probably would have done all right.

Jul 02, 10:04AM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 3 cheers

Axx

You would have done

much more than ok.

I always wanted kids, I always wanted a family…..... it was the only thing I was ever sure of. It was the only reasons that I made some of the decisions I did…... so that as a parent I wouldn’t have to go through some of the financial struggles my parents did….... not to be well off but to be ok.

When I mention it to people…. the subject gets changed (after a simple ‘you are lucky not to have others to think about’......that is such an insult) or I get the ‘but there is still time’ (sometimes from people who were complaining about not having kids when they were 5 or 10 years younger than I am now…..do they forget?)..... I know that technically ‘there is still time’ but that clock starts is ticking faster and faster each day…. I also know deep down that it is not going to be a part of my life and I really have to come to the final resignation of that to move on….....

It often feels like wasted time to work towards something that was never going to happen….. to have given up so much living for nearly 2 decades to put the foundations down for a home that would never be built.

Jul 02, 12:38PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 1 cheer

SallyKitt "Action is the antidote to despair" - Joan Baez

In trying to think of a response that expresses the empathy and compassion I feel for your situation, I realize that it’s a very difficult subject. People don’t know what to say when confronted with a confession of our deepest hopes and disappointments

At my high school reunion, no one asked any questions when I said I have no children. I would have been able to say that I never felt compelled to have kids and that I felt I should feel strongly about it to add to the population, etc.

If I had had to answer questions about the novels I’ve written which didn’t get published, now that would have been painful. Luckily, no one asked. If someone had asked about my writing I don’t think I would have opened myself to the pain of telling about my near miss.

It sounds like you have created a solid foundation. I know single parenthood is no picnic, but is adoption an option?

Jul 03, 08:14AM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 2 cheers

Often - Axx

SallyKitt "Action is the antidote to despair" - Joan Baez

Me too

I think what’s been best about this whole surprising outpouring of support is that I don’t feel like so much of a whiner. I know that I am ultimately responsible for myself, but these blues are something a lot of us feel at one time or another.

Jul 02, 10:02AM PDT | Respond to this 5 cheers


SallyKitt has gotten 17 cheers on this entry.

 

I want to:

The world wants to...

Save $1000 Improve my photography find a job Buy and paint a hippie van. Walk the Pacific Crest Trail write a personal statement learn to set up a database from scratch using Access lose 40 pounds read every book I own catita72 wants to end racism Have a baby become a magazine editor Grow in Christ Mmmber wants to Improve my self-esteem I want to become and actress regret nothing quit biting my nails start going to church again exercise regularly Visit Australia take a burlesque class put out an album Use my sauna Find my inner strength watch one tree hill eat sushi International CarreraJo wants to stop procrastinating Sit on a jury
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