These past 2 weeks, there has been restructuring in my job that just causes too much stress not only to me but my co-workers and they admitted they are also experiencing stressful times these days.

thus, the “what if i smoke” question sometimes crosses my mind as well as the over confident statement “i’m never going to get hooked again even if i start smoking again”. but i guess i’m just now that much of a risk taker to try again.

last night when i got off work, i waited for more than 30 mins outside our building for my boyfriend who was 30 mins late. i hate waiting but i noticed that i have increased patience because four months ago, if i am waiting, i would light up a cigarette in a minute. if i finish the cigarette, i’ll light another one after three minutes at most of waiting. i was easily bored and impatient.
but last night, i stood there for 30 minutes in the non-smoking side of the building while constantly checking my phone for a text message and drinking my bottled iced tea. i felt angry because he made me wait but i felt proud because i wasn’t tempted to smoke. to be honest, i even enjoyed waiting because it validated that fact that i don’t need or want to smoke anymore to ease boredom. i can see people smoking just 50 steps from me on the other side and i didn’t feel the need to join them. in fact, it would be soo easy for me to buy a cigarette and a lighter and smoke. i just don’t want to.

4 months ago, I was struggling to take cigarettes out of my head. now i can’t remember why i even smoked them in the first place.