This weekend was astonishing. We had a gallery show as a culmination of the six month mentorship. I made a vow to share my art and keep creating. I stood by my painting, as did the other eight women, and talked about the legendary figure and read an excerpt from the Legendary Chronicles of Tiisi and one of my poems. I received applause and people sought me out to tell me how much they liked my work. In the circle on Saturday morning, I told the group that my breakthrough was a breakdown: I finally admitted how tired I am, how I abuse myself relentlessly in the effort to become something more or different than the wonderful me that exists. I cried a lot on Friday and some on Saturday. On Sunday I went to the beach with my sister and we both cried at different points.

Yesterday I was driving home and had one of those impossible-to-describe pronoiac moments when it was clear the whole wide world was trying to make me happy. There was a person on a small motorcycle who looked like an anime figure. It was impossible to tell gender, their clothes were red, white, black and immaculate and their physical anatomy perfectly symmetrical and graceful. The heat had broken. I was in traffic, tired, hungry and at peace. I felt irresistible. It was, literally, divine.

I did a lot last night. Got groceries, washed my hair, uploaded my Chronicles to the group website, edited all the pics from this weekend and uploaded them and posted a poem on two sites. I was going to test drive a car tonight, but Mr. Yes called me in the middle of the day, which he has never done, just to hear my voice because he missed me so. (We didn’t have any time together this weekend and haven’t seen each other for a week.) I’m going to go home, pay a bill, shower, eat and then meet him when he’s done at the gym. I’ll test drive the car next week or late Thursday. Heck, if I go right before the dealership closes, they’ll have less time to harass me.

I told my boss about the mentorship and my Chronicles and the painting and she wants me to write it up and send a picture for the Epistle, our monthly newsletter, so that the parishioners of the church will know more about me and my faith journey. Friends here on 43T reached out to me when I wrote about feeling lost and lonely. Mr. Yes has made sure I know, in his words, that I have his love and he’s always thinking of me. I’m feeling very supported and loved. I’m spending time in the body/soul/heart/mind I am, instead of whipping myself to catch up to some better version of me I thought I could become if I tried a little harder. I’m realizing how very tired I am and resting.

One of the big lessons was that I was trying to surrender, sure that was what I needed to do. Well, do and surrender don’t work together. I thought I knew that I needed to be still, be quiet, blahblahNewAgePlatitudeblahblah, when the absolute truth is that I had no idea what I needed to do or not do. When I gave up – no enlightened surrender, just good old fashioned throw up my hands giving up – my essential joyful nature popped to the surface like a cork. There is power in saying,”I don’t know what to do” and not doing anything at all until you do know, or see more clearly. I want to remember that.