I found my way here by some miracle and I am working on keeping that miracle going in the right direction. I have been dwelling in my own self made hell for way too long (21yrs). I thought crazy thoughts of one day being the winner of the world poker tour, I actually believed I was good. The problem was I was out of control, I could come out on top one day and then the next I would be on the bottom. The guilt and shame started to out weight the highs. I have come to terms with the fact this is not the life I want and I wasted way to much time on tournements and cash games at the local poker room. I lied about my where abouts to all and I shrugged my personal, family and work responsibilities so I could play either live or online. I missed out on countless family holidays and friends invitations time that I can’t get back. I made up false excuses for not attending many special occassions in all avenues of my life. I used money from our joint account that was for home expenses and bills, I took out title loans on all my vehicles, I pawned off or sold my valuables. I took out pay day loans and personal loans and high interest credit card loans. I moved checks from accounts to accounts in effort to make payments which were barely being made. I borrowed from friends and family. I was manic and out of control all for the rush of this game, I blame no one but myself and I take full responsibility in my recovery and in making everything right. Time to ask for forgiveness both from those I have hurt and myself as well. This is tough and very painful but these are the consequences and I did think of the alternative coward way out but I am not capable of taking the leap of losing my life, I want to live, and learn from my bad decisions…I want this miracle to continue and for the possibility of turning my life around.The rush I was prisoner to my own guilty I am writing a letter to myself to carry with me in the events that I get an urge. Dear Self, Breath in and out exhale the thoughts and desires, inhale and visualize you being active happy health participant in family and with yourself. Be honest you need not this insane thoughts, you need the peaceful thoughts. Adrenaline can come in many ways no need to count on the cards… better to replace that with riding the waves or bicycling down the shore. If it shall rain, take a walk in it jump in the puddles smell the freshness, rebirth in the tranquility. Calm down take a breath slow your racing thoughts and search out new thoughts of painting, swimming, talking with friends, playing the bongo’s, petting the cat’s, reorganizing the closet, redecorating, singing, dancing, Laughing!!! Letting those in my life know that I love them very much and prove it to them by being there and doing things with them, or if they are far call or write. Visualize the beauty that is coming into your life the peace the honesty. Feel the lightness of the weight that is lifted. Smell the calmness, no more stench of fear, breath in the freshness of the truth. Sense the changes around you, notice and appreciate all the things you use to take for granit. Enjoy the time, instead of rushing it, be patient, be honest, love, laugh and live!!!!