I think I understand what you mean – but I’ll think a bit more about it :)

I guess before, I sought some comfort in the thought that there may be a “plan” for me of some sort – something that would in the end make all that I’ve been through worthwhile. The kind of plan I had in mind was “intelligent” – a narrative with a good ending, a payoff. But why should I be blessed and watched over, when so many others suffer so much more, for so little apparent purpose?

But if I understand what you mean, you’re talking about something like the flow of nature – how I’m going to go back into the earth, feeding back into the planet. If that’s what you mean, I have no problem believing that. And it’s still comforting, in a way.

Is this tree that has fallen in a storm fortunate or not? I don’t know – do trees feel pain?

I agree with much of what you’re saying – particularly the good we can do with our sensitivity and compassion.

Part of my concern was somewhat related to that. There are many people who believe they got where they are because they are more hard-working, more moral, more religious, more positive, stronger…etc. They do not recognise the staggering amount of luck involved, and so they have little to no sympathy for people who are less fortunate. They believe that just as they deserve their blessings, those less fortunate brought their suffering onto themselves.

I don’t ever want to be like that. Believing that someone is looking out for me and guiding me is magical thinking – but I thought it was magical thinking that was hopeful but harmless. Yet as I get older and open my eyes more, I am only ever more aware of how senseless suffering can be, how brutal life is for so, so many. There is no nudging in their lives. And to believe that someone or something is guiding me – even towards people in need, as you say, as lovely a thought as that may be – feels like an insult to people whose lives seem to have no hope, no order, no reason. I can’t believe that I’m being nudged towards helping them, because, who the hell am I? Why couldn’t whoever’s nudging me just nudge the people in need towards some relief instead?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to try to do what I can to help. But I don’t think I need that magical thinking anymore. If I am really being nudged, that I guess I’ll find out – but I don’t think it needs me believing in it, and I think I can maybe do more good without that belief.

I’m okay, just been a bit stressed out, and been busy with deadlines and things… I’ll try to come back to 43things when I can – hopefully soon :) How have you been? Cheers for your first job interview – it must’ve felt like a big step!