I saw a bird in the airport last weekend. he was frantic trying to find his way out. I told a few people at the ticket desks, but they said it happened all the time. I wondered what happens to the birds who find their way into the terminal. It was the 2nd one I’ve seen in an airport in a matter of months.

Every once in a while, I get overwhelmed by this feeling and I think I’ve finally figured out what it is. It’s like I keep this space really tiny inside me and it just expands without warning, taking my breath away. At first I thought I was lonely, but I’m not always lonely, just alone. Then I realized only one thing can sneak up and shake me up so violently – it’s fear.

Fear not from being alone, because, let’s face it, I’ve been alone before. I have a loving and very involved family and lots of friends, but have not ever had a truly deep connection in a loving relationship. Sure, I’ve felt very passionately about a few guys, but never been met with the same fierceness. And the few times it has been the other way around, I just felt indifference (although I tried to be compassionate, failing miserably with the same person twice).

So that’s my greatest fear that I keep under control most of the time. That I will never find the companion that I’ve always believed is out there – not just hoped, but truly been confident that he exists and is waiting for me, too.

I always thought this was a weakness – wanting and needing a mate. I never thought I would start to doubt that this will happen for me. But as I grow (hopefully) wiser, I realize that I am becoming more and more me – and less and less what the mainstream find attractive. And I live in the mainstream whether I like it or not.

Heavy thoughts for a Friday, but as I wonder when the next unexpected space will open and how long will it take me to make it tiny again. I just have to let it go and keep living and sending my love out into the world, trusting that my instincts aren’t leading wrong.