I’ve always wandered why I am who I am.
A wise man used to ask himself this question, also. As he searched for the answer he sat down and wrote stories, which could help him reveal the mystery. But as the night came he would tear up everything so nobody could acctually read what he had written.
Some time ago, in the days of my rebellious teenagehood I wasn’t even sure what I am. People looked at me and saw my sister. They identified me whit everyone else but me. And as I attempted to state myself, to scream THIS IS ME NO CHANGE AVAILABLE, I became who I am.. Good, Bad… And most of the time it feels like I’ve been the bad one just because I am tired of always being the good, invisible girl that always does what she is told. It’s true I’ve done a lot of bullshit to state who I am, to understand what I am. This endless search cost me a lot of stuff but most importantly countless dreadful endings of my relationships with people. But it also thought me the toughest lesson- TRUST NO ONE. Trust is a weakness. And that is what you make me- weak. I hate this, hate the feeling of always trusting you. It is not supposed to be that way. The only thing I am sure of now is that no one is bound to like me, to even stand me. I know I wouldn’t like myself in my “bad” me.And I honestly don’t know why you did(do) it, why did you always put up with my wishes, always being so nice and patient with me?
And I said so much.. Words that now mean nothing to you. I write to you just so you can honestly ask yourself- Is that what you wanted? You wanted me – confused, unstable, stubborn, ironic and independent?
And all my wandering thoughts didn’t let me finish the story of the wise man. Well, the best thing he came up to was this: “I am who I am, because I am who I am.” Of course, this answer didn’t satisfy him and he tore the page. And after all this useless knowledge of me I suppose you want to do the same thing but i wanted you to know 2 things.
First- you know me better than I know myself.
Second- My love for you is unconditional, even if you decide you hate me I will always be here for you.
I love you, my sunshine.