I can hear alright, there’s little amiss with my perception, but I’m starting to realize that there is something off in my response. What I’m starting to hear is a lot of fear – my own – and resistance. To put it simply, I am afraid of what I have to accomplish in this life. I’m not afraid of doing it, I’m afraid of all the changes that are going to come with it. It’s like a default reaction, this fear of change. Why are we wired like this? I know I’m not alone. It must have something to do with the evolutionary gap between perception and mobility. Maybe once we became bipeds and gained the power to displace outselves in various enviornments, the anxiety alert is signaled after millions of years of knowledge about how damn hard it is to adapt to any enviornment – the primal part of the brain that remains unwaware of various developments in gathering food and building shelter…given that this was once the sum total of our human existence, and all that “change” demanded of our capacities to simply survive, I guess it makes sense, the anxiety, fear, resistance. The idea of uprooting myself (again) exhausts on a level I can’t quite get hold of. I won’t let it hold me back, but it is an energy sucker, for sure.

I know I’ll never get rid of my fear, entirely, it’s the human condition (apparently)—but I’m tired of it taking up so much space in my brain, and the exertion of energy required to overcome it. I mean, it’s really exhausting, at times, and weirdly reinforcing. So I need a strategy. I want to transform all that fear into positive energy. Instead of being terrified, I would prefer to be excited, and clear headed. I’m going to try to listen to the voice of reason in my head – really work at this, consciously. I intend to gain significant ground on this – my goal is zen-like calm. I’m sick of wasting valuable brain power and life energy indulging this mental hand-wringing, this stupendous fear. If I aim to be master of myself (and I do) I need to take charge, assume leadership inside my own head. If I have any freedom at all, and power of choice (and I do) I will do this. I will LISTEN TO THE TRUTH – and the truth is not this irrational, imaginary, amorphous catastrophe, that I see out the corner of eye. And no more mental duct taping the doors and windows – I want to see through the “danger” – not respond to it I will hear that alarm, but I will not LISTEN to it.

That is the plan.