kaylarobertson doing really well: trying really hard and VERY VERY proud of herself.
I know that I’ve made progress; I don’t ask for as much reassurance but I’m here today specifically because I’m struggling and this is a source of wealth for me. Big time. Just being here makes me feel better and I’m proud of myself for recognizing that and putting it to work. Also, I kind of…it reminded me that progress is slow and takes time. I should be proud of what I have more than I worry about what isn’t. I have learned to embrace uncertainty a bit more. I wish I had listened more as a kid when my parents said “you just take care of you” when I whined about some grave injustice done to me (usually my sister undressing my favorite barbie doll).
I know that I still…I haven’t drawn the circles apart the way I’d like to. Jon and I spend almost every free second together and I love it that way because he’s under my control. That sounds sick but at least I can admit it. I’m working on it. I DO do better about saying “ya know, I think I’ll stay here while you go work on hw. I’d rather watch tv”. Holy hell. Is that the same Kayla I used to know who would make ANY sacrifice to spend 5 more minutes with her partner?! Small. steps.
Last night I panicked a bit. There was some reference on TV to a couple who was brought together by the fact that he’s unemployed and “doesn’t have his life together”. It makes her feel needed to try to fix him which is how their relationship survives. I worked DAMN hard to challenge that statement about Jon and I because, of course, the second I heard it I went “oh my god. is that why hes attracted to me? Thats so unhealthy…is that why we’re together?”. I found some opposing evidence and some that supports this theory (well, not evidence, speculation and logical thought). BUT wouldn’t my time be much better spent working on fixing myself than worrying if thats why hes around?
Its just been a rough day. I’m really emotional and near tears a lot. I’m gonna go ahead and blame Aunt Flo but it’s still annoying. Need to bring it back home and refocus my attention. Every day. Every single day. I need to live as I want to, keep in mind that uncertainty is okay, and be proud of where I’m headed.