I’ve never written about this but I have food issues. I use food as a reward system for myself when I’m making steps towards my recovery. I use other things, too, but food is a big one. I tend to choose foods that are bad for me like ice cream, which exacerbates my IBS. But then I can’t stop. I keep eating more and more ice cream (most recently a Good Humor Drumstick Cone) each day, sometimes twice a day, knowing the effects it’ll have on me.

Other times I use food (again, something bad for me that exacerbates the IBS) to make myself feel better. Oh, I’m depressed because of (insert reason here, i.e. because I have bipolar; because I have IBS; because I’m on disability; because I’m PMSing; or just because). I should get to have half a pint of Nestle Drumstick Cone ice cream because that’ll make me feel better, never mind the consequences. Hmm…I still feel depressed. I’ll just eat the rest of that pint…. Now I feel depressed because I ate ice cream when I know very well it isn’t good for me. So I’ll have some more. I know Brian stashed an extra pint in the freezer somewhere.

And yet other times, I use food to reward myself for having not eaten it! Well, I haven’t had ice cream in a whole week, so I should get to have some. I’ll just have a quarter of a pint. But that usually ends up being the whole pint. It’s like this excerpt from Carrie Fisher’s Postcards From the Edge:

“That’s it, I’ve quit. This time I’ve really quit. I’m not doing cocaine anymore. If someone came up and offered me cocaine I wouldn’t do it….

“My first party without drugs. Interesting…. I wonder if anyone here even has any cocaine. That guy Steve looks like he might, he usually has some. I loathe that guy, but he always has great cocaine….

“But this is the new me. I’m totally on a health kick. I have not taken cocaine in four days. I don’t even like it anymore. I never really did like it, I just did it ‘cause it was around. And I don’t think I was really heavy into it, not like Steve over there….

”’Hi, Steve, how ya doin’? Yeah, yeah. I’m fine…. You seem very up. No, I’m…I’m not doing any right now. I’ve quit…. No, I’m serious…. I’m absolutely committed to this.

”’No, I don’t think I had a problem. It’s just that my nose started…I don’t know. I’ll probably end up still doing a little bit every so often, you know. Not right now. Maybe…well, like, maybe…. All right, maybe like a hit, but that’s[...] it, though.’”

And of course the guy ends up in rehab after ODing on coke and a bunch of other drugs. He even has a secret stash at home, like I do with my ice cream, candy bars, etc.! Ice cream is not even in the same ball park as cocaine, but once upon a time, for me, it was alcohol and cocaine and other drugs instead of ice cream. The problem with ice cream is that not only is it legal, it’s food. For me, it almost doesn’t matter what it is. It’s the patterns of thinking that I need to change. * sigh * This is going to be a long road.