I feel like the past few years have seen me become extremely scared of failure….with the interesting thing being that I start so many things, freak out and don’t finish them anyway and reinstate my view that I am a failure. I think that uni really knocked me around, I was scared to go there in the first place but was determine to prove to myself that I could….and I did for a while. But, then the old self doubt came up and unfortunately I let it win. I used to be thin, but started to get content with my partner and relaxed way too much on the healthy eating and exercising and now find myself in a position where I can’t stand the body or lifestyle that I lead. I am so far away from where I want to be in my life it is ridiculous. I always feel like I put everybody else first….because if I don’t then I will have a guilt trip to face and I am tired of it. I don’t know how to make me happy as well as everyone else. I think I have become a people pleaser/a mat that everyone can walk all over. I dont know….I know that I am a nice person who is happy to help people but at what cost am I paying personally for all my giving? I get scared to tell people of what I am about to achieve because I feel like they all doubt my ability anyway. I have joined 2 gyms in the past 5 years and only been maybe 10times in that whole period – the money that I have wasted. Not to mention the numerous times I have joined weight watchers or started a health kick only to put the weight back on. I find it so damn hard to change. I have this monkey on my back the whole time. arrrrrggghhhhhhh, I am over it. Even when I am succeeding like I did about 3-4 months ago having lost 5kgs I got slack and put all the weight back on. People at work were so complimentary, now I just feel embarrassed as I am more uncomfortable than before. I want my partner to help me, be supportive of me in all areas but I just can’t get that from her. I want to get my life back on track!
I realize its been a long time since you posted that and you probably have overcome your fears and succeeded but when I read your post I was feeling down and like a failure. Your post had made me feel that small amount motivation I needed. I’ve realized I need someone to be at my side and accomplish this life with me. It can’t be any friend or lover although they can be helpful and supportive at times, it has to be someone who wants the same goals and who has the aspirations as I do. Someone who knows me and someone I can’t hide my fears and thoughts and failures from. Then I realized the only person I need is me. I have to drive myself to succeed. I have to push myself when I am falling behind. I have to be that person to remind myself that I have to go on because life is going to go on no matter if I stop or not. The only thing that is stopping me is me; and everytime I let that downer side of me win life goes on without me. I want to keep up with life. And I hope you have.