_{This was written on Sept. 24th… My babies are no longer sick, thank goodness… but it all still feels the same. Everything is still the same. Goddess… I need a change, a shock, some life injected into my soul, body… mind.}

Everything seems so dry; my thoughts, emotions, brittle. I long for the feeling of fresh wetness, of getting messy, of diving in and drinking deep. I haven’t been myself lately, haven’t been allowed. My babies (God, I love them) suck everything out of me. I do not regret having children, but they have sucked me dry. I need to bathe in paint or poetry. Add some color. I’m sick with the lack of it. I had the only freedom I knew taken away from me. About a month ago I crashed our car, dead. I’m fine, besides a scar on my left arm and some bad flashbacks, nightmares. But, man, I miss that car. I miss freedom. Next car (if we can afford one) I will name “Freedom”, and love it just a little less then the babies. Paint a rainbow or something on it. I am lucky I’m on meds, because if I wasn’t, I would need them, desperately.

Sam and June have been sick too… and the only thing that they can keep down is breast milk. I don’t mind. I love that I can give them that. But man, we had come to the point where we had cut breastfeeding down to one/maybe two times a day and the past three days it’s been ALL day, and THEY ARE TWINS. No wonder I feel so dry, I have nothing left in me.

What doesn’t kill you? Huh….

Me and Joshua are doing alright. I really hit the jackpot when I married him. Life sucks, I swore today… and those of you who really know me know that I don’t do that unless there is much suckyness. But, I have him, and we talk, and we have honestly, and I can cry, and he understands.

Let’s pray for rain. Let’s hope it comes soon… I wish to open my soul to it. Drink it in. I’m not doing too well.

I’m going to drown in some music…