Effexor to be exact.
I didn’t want pills. It was a little hard to tell the doctor what I was there for. I want to be better. I knew what zoloft did, I came home 8 years ago and read an American Science Journal..’cause there’s no such thing as a happy pill . Well I read all about the transmitters and receptors, how under extreme stress they don’t just slow down, they can actually die off . At that time they had medicine to re-grow them being tried in mice..don’t know what ever happened with that study, I quit reading the Science Journals lol.
I knew I didn’t want zoloft again, I don’t need a serotonin overload. They worked years ago, I guess they did their job and that let me do mine. I got in the most excellent shape working out. Pumping more weights than most guys in the gym, getting dirty looks lol..well I am 6 feet of muscle when I try :)
Excercise and sunshine are the best anti-depressants. They help things balance out, but some cases need a boost to get to that stage.
So now with the panic attacks..cool we now have serotonin and
norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors..so when I’m panicking that will help? All that adrenaline has to go somewhere. My body freaks out like I’m in a life or death situation when it’s something minor and I can’t shut it off . I don’t know..as long as I don’t feel drowsy, spaced, anything weird . I hate it when I feel weird . I was going to try St. Johns Wort, but it has MAOI properties. I hope people trying it read about it first, it’s low dose, but still. Lots of people use it with no problems and MAOI’s were first used for this, well after benzodiazapines. No good, food restrictions too many dangers.
Oh and the best part of any SSRI is if you are bipolar, it can cause mania. Reasurring. It didn’t happen before so with my new N added to the SSRI I should be ok?
Why did I let myself get this bad?
I used to be able to do anything.
Handle anything.
I was superwoman. I must have been nuts. People used to ask me how I did it all. You know, when I look back on everything I did, I don’t know how I did it . I couldn’t do it again..don’t want to do it again.
This also has something to do with a trigger from 8 years ago coupled with 9/11 a few months after. I had to see councellors for PTSD after 9/11. I’m a Canadian but it hit me as if it happened here and I was not okay. It did happen here as far as I’m concerned. So I got better for awhile. I fell again and never really got back to %100. That wasn’t smart, but I didn’t know better.
I knew I was sliding this time. I held on a long time. I held on for almost 2 years with some pretty twisted stuff going on.
Thankfully the Lord carries you when you can’t walk.
Actually it was over 2 years, but the last 2 were pretty intense.
The doctor understood me. I don’t understand mean people..I don’t know how people can treat each other so badly and not care. I can’t find my switch. I don’t know why people seemingly go out of their way to hurt others. It affects me very deeply. I need to let go of a lot of this because I can’t control it..just how I respond to it. Well I’ve always been a fixer. Been. I’m learning.
I need to learn to get over to the store and get the pills and give them a shot..
I will try.
Goodnight moon..
<3