“Everyone always wants to know how you can tell when it’s true love, and the answer is this: when the pain doesn’t fade and the scars don’t heal, and it’s too damned late.” -Jonathan Tropper

_{Maybe not true love, but true friendship, mixed with just enough physical attraction to thoroughly confuse our adolescent selves.}

An old friend of mine was killed in Iraq yesterday. We were super close in high school. Then we embarked on a long-distance relationship my first semester of college – a rebound for both of us, as we’d both just been dumped by our high school sweethearts. And I broke his heart.

He never spoke to me again. I wrote him two letters, one of which I actually sent, after college. I tried finding him online, but never could.

Now I can. The first search result is his obituary.

He was the person I could call at 2 a.m. He understood me, at a time when I barely understood myself. And no matter how bad things were, he could always make me laugh. Always.

I never gave up hope that someday he’d contact me. That we could be friends again. I don’t have many friends from back then. And there’s not been many people since him that I’ve been so close with. I always imagined that, once we started talking again, we’d fall into that rhythm we used to have. The years would drop away. Perhaps I was deluding myself. A lot of years have gone by, and we’ve both changed. But once you’ve been that close with someone, the love never really goes away completely. Does it?

I’m sorry, Dave. Sorry for hurting you. Sorry for pushing you away. You were the only one who was always on my side. The only one who didn’t make me feel like a freak. The only one who gave me the strength to get through. You knew me better than anyone. Well enough to know that if you didn’t tell me to date while you were away, I’d never go out – how many guys would do that, especially at that age? You made me believe in myself, at a time when I thought it was impossible to do so.

I have so many things I want to tell you. I’ve never stopped missing our 2 a.m. calls…god knows there have been nights I could have used a friendly voice.

I don’t even know how your life has gone – did you marry? Have kids? Were you happy? Did you believe in what you were doing? Oh, I hope so.

Of all the people I’ve lost over the years, you’re the one I’ve missed the most. And now the pain never will fade, and the scars will never heal, because it’s too damn late.