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figure out where home is (read all 13 entries…)
After yesterday's

major meltdown, I went home, did my ab exercises, got into pajamas, journaled a bit, then changed and met Mr. Yes for our weekly date.

We couldn’t talk much at first because I didn’t want to be that girl crying at the bar. I’d lean against his arm, he’d rub my back, we’d stare at the TVs, I’d start, I’d get teary, I’d stop. Finally, I got out how cramped I feel, how I can’t afford a safe place of my own in the places I want to live, and a little of how I feel like a failure and a loser for not being able to support myself better. (And, VOILA! I’m crying at work now. Damn it.)

Deep breaths. Once I was able to talk, I realized that when I came to CA, I was triangulating my course on my dad, my mom, and getting finances in shape so I could move on once my parents were okay. Then I fell in love and my dad got (kinda) better. The harbors and horizon changed and I just caught on to that. What matters now is being close enough to my parents so I’m available when they need me, seeing Mr. Yes and Little Yes, and being in good enough financial shape to get trained as a coach (or whatever gets me out of admin work into something I love). I’m going to be in CA for awhile. (When I said that last night, Mr. Yes smiled at me, rubbed my knee and said, “I hope so.”)

Unfortunately, those things don’t work together very well. Mr. Yes lives across a bridge, 30 minutes from me, 40 or so from my parents. I want my own space, but that defeats the goal of saving money. If I did find a place I could afford that’s safe, I would be stretching my budget to breaking. Unless I get a higher paying job. The thought of interviewing, in secret, and making a decision…yeah. I need a break. I need space. I need a break to think about my space and I don’t have the space for a break. Maybe I’ll spend President’s Day at a hotel. It’s the only time I can think of that I can get away to think about this stuff.

My head is bursting. Mr. Yes, god love him, didn’t try to give me advice. He told me I was smart, would figure it out and hugged and kissed me. He can’t plan beyond the next month or so, at least until Little Yes is in grade school, which is a couple of years away. Logically, it makes sense to stay put, where I can save money and I’m close to work. Emotionally, it feels like I’m choking. I feel like I’ve failed at being a self-sufficient adult.

[And, public forum and all, I would be highly appreciative if no one jumped down my throat for feeling like a failure. However well intentioned it may be, in my current state, it will make me feel like a failure for feeling like a failure!]



Comments:

I wish

I could give you a real hug. ((((Ti))))

ExGratia is on a mission.

Hey Ti?

I adore you, friend. You will figure it out when the time’s right. (((hug)))

I wish I could help. I’m here if you need to vent.

Just hugs

It’s ok to just BE for awhile.

Tarrador Resistance just makes me hard

((((((TI))))))

I know how awful it feels to feel like this. I am taking lots of deep breaths for you and keeping you in my prayers.

Then my sweetheart

sent me a text that said, “Just sending some love your way and want you to know I’m here for you. Hope today is better than yesterday.” and I had to go to the bathroom and cry.

I’m holding self-bashing at a scant arm’s length by pure force of will. You guys are helping. Thank you.

Gypsy is not really around much anymore...

I had a dream about you last night..

It was serene and peaceful and you were carrying beautiful pale green frangapanis… (which I don’t think exist… but whatever!) You were with someone else, but I couldn’t see them (maybe Mr Yes?) and you were out in a forest or something like that, just wandering around in a floaty white dress with a gentle smile all dappled with sunlight…

I wish things were like that in real life for you my beautiful friend.

xx

Yes, please!

Funny, I was talking to a friend this morning about catching a misspelled name in a 48 page booklet I created at work and she marveled at my attention to detail and I said, “I know! And I’m dreamy and floaty. I don’t know how I do my job.” I want more dreamy floaty time.

I looked up the symbolism for frangipani and it represents shelter and protection from evil. I need to get me to a frangipaniry!

Gypsy is not really around much anymore...

And green, it seemed really important that they were green!

Green represents growth, healing and repair… it’s also connected to the heart chakra – which is all about self love, emotions and balance… particularly balancing your physical and spiritual sides/ needs!

Makes perfect sense really!!

nicolasc will be out of the picture a lot. Please don't take lack of response or reciprocation personally!

Mr. Yes

sounds like a very good man.

(((Tiisi)))

(This comment was deleted.)

sherishiraz ..and stops my mind from wandering, where it will go

dearest Ti

It sounds like your path is changing course in some profound way.

Are you familiar with the phrase cognitive dissonance? I love these two words together, because they aptly describe what happens in the mind when there is a clash between what you think must be done and what you know must be done, for example. eventually there is a sorting process and a choice is made, and at that point, often there is feeling of terror and loss.

Terror at having to let go something you think/thought was vital

Loss at leaving behind something

I offer this by way of a meditation, and some assurance that there is a way through it all that will bring you to a place you truly want and need to be.

Sorry my words are so tangled tonight.

Peace and love

Terror and loss

or a general logjam of this, but this, and if this, then not this.

I want to do the smart thing and stay where I am for the next year, at the very least. But I need some things to change. I need a space to work. As a start, I need to hang all of the art in my room properly, not from the existing nails. I need to clean off the chest at the end of the bed so I can throw a shower curtain over it and use the tabletop easel there. I need to sell the things I can sell so I have more money. I need to cover the closets with curtains of some sort to bring more calm and peace into the room. I need to clean the altar shoved into a corner and make it a focal point. I need to ask my godmother about moving one of the bookcases out into the house somewhere. I need to make better use of the small side table and the dresser top. I need to iron and somehow display my collection of vintage lingerie. I need to use fragrance to mark that space as my own. I need to hang a bulletin board that I can use as a vision/goal/inspiration board.

If I do all that and still feel strangled by lack of personal space, I’ll figure out something else. I’ve been through hell, I can find my way out of this purgatory, right?

(This comment was deleted.)

sherishiraz ..and stops my mind from wandering, where it will go

I am certain the answer to your question is YES

paisleypaige Smile...day by day

seinding

{{{hugs}}}}, kisses and a thought,

U a failure….NEVER!

You'll figure it out

Hugs to you, and best wishes for peace of mind in the meantime.


Tiisi does not share entries outside 43T & asks the same. has gotten 17 cheers on this entry.

 

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