major meltdown, I went home, did my ab exercises, got into pajamas, journaled a bit, then changed and met Mr. Yes for our weekly date.
We couldn’t talk much at first because I didn’t want to be that girl crying at the bar. I’d lean against his arm, he’d rub my back, we’d stare at the TVs, I’d start, I’d get teary, I’d stop. Finally, I got out how cramped I feel, how I can’t afford a safe place of my own in the places I want to live, and a little of how I feel like a failure and a loser for not being able to support myself better. (And, VOILA! I’m crying at work now. Damn it.)
Deep breaths. Once I was able to talk, I realized that when I came to CA, I was triangulating my course on my dad, my mom, and getting finances in shape so I could move on once my parents were okay. Then I fell in love and my dad got (kinda) better. The harbors and horizon changed and I just caught on to that. What matters now is being close enough to my parents so I’m available when they need me, seeing Mr. Yes and Little Yes, and being in good enough financial shape to get trained as a coach (or whatever gets me out of admin work into something I love). I’m going to be in CA for awhile. (When I said that last night, Mr. Yes smiled at me, rubbed my knee and said, “I hope so.”)
Unfortunately, those things don’t work together very well. Mr. Yes lives across a bridge, 30 minutes from me, 40 or so from my parents. I want my own space, but that defeats the goal of saving money. If I did find a place I could afford that’s safe, I would be stretching my budget to breaking. Unless I get a higher paying job. The thought of interviewing, in secret, and making a decision…yeah. I need a break. I need space. I need a break to think about my space and I don’t have the space for a break. Maybe I’ll spend President’s Day at a hotel. It’s the only time I can think of that I can get away to think about this stuff.
My head is bursting. Mr. Yes, god love him, didn’t try to give me advice. He told me I was smart, would figure it out and hugged and kissed me. He can’t plan beyond the next month or so, at least until Little Yes is in grade school, which is a couple of years away. Logically, it makes sense to stay put, where I can save money and I’m close to work. Emotionally, it feels like I’m choking. I feel like I’ve failed at being a self-sufficient adult.
[And, public forum and all, I would be highly appreciative if no one jumped down my throat for feeling like a failure. However well intentioned it may be, in my current state, it will make me feel like a failure for feeling like a failure!]