Wow… How interesting! Since I mentioned that I had two people in my life whom I loved – my ex & a new person (who treats me w/ dignity & immense love), life posed me a conflict to resolve. February. Valentine’s Day month. Also, anniversay w/ my ex when we agreed to meet. A new person is long distance right now and there’s only one weekend that is available to spend time with either or those two people & that’s the anniversary weekend. At first, I said to my new person that I was sorry b/c I had already agreed to meet my ex, which was fine. At the same time I started to feel a little guilty b/c we also wanted to celebrate February & there was a big surprise for me in store as well. Upon strenuous thinking & analyzing I asked myself: Why am I afraid to disappoint my ex by postponing our meeting (haven’t seen each other for 1.5 years), even though he was so looking forward to it? Instead I’m not afraid to disappoint the other person who deserves the world, who always puts me number one? Where’s the logic? Oh, it’s my automatic reaction to my ex, who still connects to me via an unseen thread. No, I said to myself, I have to muster my courage & if I can’t avoid disappointing any of them, then at least I must not disappoint the wrong person. Never ever did I imagine to put my ex second. I always put him first. Always. And that was by default. It couldn’t be otherwise. I’ve been his second & third, whereas his family or school or job or whatever else was number one. No, I said. I’m sorry, you can be mad, you can drop it all, do whatever, react however you want, I’m sorry. But right now, I want to please the person who brought only love & brightness into my life & if I can avoid disappointing that person, I’ll do it.
Yes, my ex was sad but he’ll get over it. I want to see him but I don’t know when it’ll happen. March? April? Honestly, I’m not too concerned. Unfinished business will eventually be finished, I know that. And that’s all that matters to me right now.
I love you but I also love someone else too. Differently but still. I knew I deserved better. No, not better. I deserved the best. I got it although I didn’t look for it. And even now I’m taking it as slow as it’s at all possible.