Here I am. Admitting that I may very well be one. I’ve never discussed this with anyone. I’m so ashamed of it being a possibility, I can’t even discuss it in another message board because I’ve been there too long and too many people ONLINE have talked to me through it. That’s how ashamed I am. Soon.. I will have gotten to know people here and I will shrink down and run away. I want to get surgery on my shoulder. I went tonight and had it looked at by a physician. He said it’s a slight sublux or instability. That the tendons have been stretched and are more loose and that’s the reason it feels like my shoulder is sliding around. With therapy, it can all get better. That’s not what I wanted to hear. That’s not how I view it. I don’t view it as life-threatening or serious, but I view it as something that could become serious if I don’t get a surgery now. Shifting my collar bone and shoulder back up to where it was before.. and then adjusting the ball of my shoulder to fit the snug way it did before. That’s what I feel and that’s what I see… but am I wrong to? Is it too extreme? Even if it is.. I won’t quit feeling this way.
If I DO have hypochondria, I know how this developed and when. The first time I felt symptoms, I thought I was pregnant and began to freak out. Then I thought that maybe it’s just a cyst on my ovary. See, I wasn’t having my period when I was supposed to and one of my ovaries was aching. This resulted from someone I loved leaving me. We did things we shouldn’t and then he dropped me. Ever since I think my whole entire being, my whole body has felt out of whack. At least that’s a theory, unless the things I’ve felt were true. We didn’t even have sex and I thought I was pregnant. We did other stuff, but I was paranoid about some sperm somehow seeping through anyway. Highly highly unlikely. My body felt like it was falling apart after I did those things with him and he then gave me up… the first time I’d touched a man like that. And the only time since. That was almost three years ago and I’m now 22. If I felt lustful feelings toward him later on, after he’d dropped me, if I thought of him the way I once did, my body hurt, my body felt physically rejected and I didn’t want to feel those feelings for him that I naturally did… because it couldn’t happen anymore. My body felt like it was physically falling apart. I’m crying right now. He took something away from me that I wonder if I will ever regain. He has damaged me. Now I live with these problems.
