yet another week passing.. and im only feeling worse… i have people who care around me… but i do not care. i just dont want to be here! one thing that makes me not jump off the suspension bridge is the thought of my mom crying.
i know that the world has plenty to offer. but i really dont want to experience it. i just would like to disappear.
i had an exam today that i nearly missed… i might as well have missed it because i probibly failed. once again, i mess up in yet another exam… my essay and coursework… due also today but i missed the deadline…because i couldnt hand them in on time, although they where done.
i work truely hard, i swear i study so much and give it so much… but no can do… my grades dnt change.
and this isnt only about grades… its everything. its my lack of faith, lack of friends due to the fact that i invest myself so much into working hard (although i have a few, i just dnt go out with them anymore…) and just hate towards myself, and towards the fact that i cant ever escape.
it feels like im sinking in quick sand, where the harder i try to get out of this way of thinking and my horrible feelings the faster i sink.
today i just came back to my dorm and collapsed just the feeling of being a failure for so many months (since i started uni.) is exhausting. i cut my wrist a little (wont try that again)... and forced myself to throw up, which i used to do it all the time, because i hated my body and just felt fat (i used to be boarderline anorexic, but my mom wouldnt let me slip) but i make myself throw up just to punish myself, because i deserve it.
i used to read about people like this and think they are freaks, or dramatic, or stupid. lol who knew i would ever join them
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Comments:
ExGratia is on a mission.
I know you don't
want anyone to tell you to see a doctor, but as someone who’s been fighting depression her entire life, I cannot stress how important that is. I’ll say one thing about it, and that’s all..medication isn’t a shortcoming, sometimes, the relief it provides just clears your head well enough, and lifts that horrible ‘I’m worthless, life is meaningless, I wish I didn’t exist’ feeling long enough to let you find your OWN way of handling it. Ok, I’ll not mention that again, I swear.
Depression is different for everyone, and I’m not a doctor, but one thing holds true for us all…our minds cannot function at 100 percent if our body isn’t properly fueled. You were talking about your hands shaking, crying and moodiness, and one thing that could attribute to that is blood sugar issues. I am reactive hypoglycemic, and if I don’t eat enough of the right things at the right times, I do the exact same thing. I can go from being happy to being insanely bitchy to mournfully pitifully weepy in the span of 2 hours.
It wouldn’t hurt to go to your regular general doctor and mention your hands and the mood swings, and get a blood sugar screening done. Hypoglycemia and other blood sugar regulation conditions can also carry the same symptoms as depression and bipolar disorders when you have blood sugar spikes and drops. Please don’t diagnose yourself, it could cost you your life.
edit – this was really in response to all your posts on this subject, not just this one.
h.g. ~happiness Grateful & Abundant ❤ IL&G ❤ Namasté
Cheers & Cheers ~
Excellent advice for all of us ~ and especially those of us who suffer with depression ~
:)
h.g. ~happiness Grateful & Abundant ❤ IL&G ❤ Namasté
Dear mustsucceed ~
Do you have a counseling center at your school?
Please go by and talk with them….many people do suffer with these same issues, and they may be able to help provide you with something that could really help alleviate your suffering.
You definitely are not alone, you are definitely not a freak, or dramatic, or stupid......
you are trying to make a good life and life is just a little/lot hard right now.
Good that you are expressing yourself, but please do try to go see a counselor, it really helps to have someone you trust in your corner and help you through this tough time.
Keeping you in strong healing thoughts ~
:)
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