Well, I found out I have a few mental illnesses, including but (likely) not limited to: Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Bipolar Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder.

Which pretty much explains everything.. Including the reason I though setting off a petrol engine in my room while putting a wet towel in front of the door and drinking myself into a stupor was a good idea.

Fuck it, I give up on this shit.