I was an extremely happy child, and could not have had better parents. My (adoptive, of course) father came from a broken family: He was awkward in some aspects of fathering, as his own father had walked off when he was 10, but more loving and generous than the fathers of any of my friends growing up. He died of a heart attack in 1995. My (adoptive – yes) mother may be the brightest person I have ever known, and she has always been my best friend. She has been significantly disabled with arthritis and the effects of 5 unsuccessful back surgeries since 1999, at which time I became her primary caretaker. She has a housekeeper 2-3 times per week, which is good: I’m a good cook, launderer and companion, but rather deficient in matters of cleaning and ironing!

I believe my mother would have understood if I had felt the need to seek my “real” parents, but think my father would have felt betrayed. in any case, I never saw any utility or value in such a thing. My (also adoptive, and otherwise unrelated) sister, who has never felt quite as close to our parents as I have, has not felt such a need, either.

I don’t want to minimize the pain that giving up (sometimes under serious duress) their children has caused many of these birth parents. From their own perspectives, it might be very desirable to make some kind of contact with these children – although it could also be very painful to endure the disinterest or even hostility of some of the adoptees. From the perspective of the adoptee, however, the whole thing is very complicated. I can only speak for myself, but I was entirely satisfied with my adoptive parents, and do not recall ever wishing to establish contact with people who no longer had any significance in my life. It would have seemed (to me) disloyal to my parents to bring outsiders into anything like the position in my life they had. Where there are safeguards to prevent intrusion on unwilling lives, I have no objection to mutually-sought reunions.

I don’t know why it is so difficult for some outsiders to understand that our attachments and loyalty are to our parents – the great people who loved us all of our lives. When that relationship is inadequate, I can understand why some adoptees seek out their birth parents, but they need to realize how little real connection they have to those strangers besides some genetic material.

Obviously, your situation is different from mine, because of the significant difference in appearance – although any perceptive person would also be able to see I don’t look very much like my parents. My (adoptive, here and in all succeeding references!) father had black hair and a medium build, stood about 5’10”, and had a clear coloring which tanned fairly dark, while I have dark reddish brown hair and a large build, stand nearly 6’2” and have many freckles. My mother stood 5’5” before her arthritis and spinal surgeries took several inches from her stature, and she had a medium build in her youth, although she now has a tendency to thinness. People often respond to a black and white photograph of my sister by mentioning how much we look alike, but in fact she has porcelain skin and (before nature and chemicals intervened) nearly black hair. If I may brag, I have a MUCH better looking nose – hers was originally somewhat larger and more prominent than mine, and a kick in the face by a horse put a bit of a hump in its bridge. We both have a tendency to put on excessive weight, but she brought her weight under control in her early 20s, while I waited until my mid 40s. No one who has seen her in person or in a color photo sees much resemblance to me.

I can understand the desire to find something better – and to grasp at something which is largely insubstantial – but there is no reason to believe one is incomplete without a biological clan.

In any case, I am 48 years old and very much attached to my adoptive mother, for whom I am the primary caregiver. My life is mostly happy, and what failings I have are my own affair, and my own fault – not the result of any failing in my family or the absence of biologically-linked relatives.

I don’t want to suggest that biology is insignificant: My unrelated adoptive sister and I were raised in the same family in the same way as much as is possible but our natures and abilities have made us hugely different people. We no more think than look alike. Perhaps we would be closer friends if there were a biological link, or perhaps not – Everyone knows of brothers and/or sisters who despise each other, which she and I certainly do not.