N is not a happy girl, and it is reflected in her actions, the things she says…her demeanour in general. She tells her father and stepmother that it’s all my fault; I’m a terrible mother. If only she knew how much I have sacrificed, have cried for her.

I love her, I provide for her, I make time for her – what else can I do? I do my best not to judge her and I think for the most part, I am fair.

I haven’t seen Dr.K since the beginning of January, and I’ve been trying to carry on without my ‘candy’ for almost a month now. I know that I am not myself; well, the relaxed, happy self I am when I have candy, that is. Every day is a struggle to not be angry, it is a constant struggle not to cry and let my mind wander to the dark places it used to go before my breakdown.

I see her on Friday, and I guess I’ll tell her I’ve been trying to go it alone without the chemical ‘assistance’ – she will likely scold me for not calling in for a refill, but I really wanted to try it on my own. I guess I’m not ready yet.

I’m trying not to take all the shit N says personally, but it’s hard. She’s a girl who refuses to be accountable for anything she says or does – I know a person who was and is still like that. He’s 40 years old and going nowhere in life, because every time he chooses to ‘screw up’, it’s everyone else’s fault in some way.

I only want what is best for her, and I hope she will accept the help we are trying to give her.