JudithKD Requests no links, tweets, or shared content ...thx!

Write and then write some more! (read all 20 entries…)
I have been stalled

because of I wasn’t sure/couldn’t admit what?

So I got there. The memoir, when finished, will absolutely put an end to any notion that I have a birth “family.” Although these folks aren’t good for me, and are in fact toxic, that doesn’t mean I don’t love them. The final nail in the coffin has been something I haven’t wanted….

Of course, I’m happier without them in my life overall, but optimist that I am, I kept hoping that somehow there’d be a day when the two people I’m most closely related to would look at me and say I had value to them, they thought I was a fine human being.

It isn’t going to happen.

The millionaire can’t do that, their ego need is to have the best, most, brightest, etc. a magpie. Anything that admits I have value diminishes them, why I’m not sure, but that’s what their behavior over the past 50+ years indicates.

The egghead may have thought that I had value, but has no words. This person is a genius but probably would not understand why this was important. More, it would get precariously close to the possibility that they are not as trouble free from our mutual past as they want to believe.

My ego needs and theirs are in direct conflict. The memoir, since it’s from my perspective, cannot support the myth that everything is okay between us since from my perspective it has NOT for most of my life.

jkd



Comments:

HippieChick2 ♥ Part Deux ♥ 2014 is our year to FLOURISH!!!♥

I want you to KNOW

that you do have value. You have immeasurable value. I know that you do not need to hear this from me, but I wanted to let you know anyway.

I actually really do understand what you are saying here and in many ways I have the same issues with “my birth family”

The family that I have made sees my value. sometimes the family we make is far better for us than the family we are born into.

You have value jkd that you don’t even see yet!!!

JudithKD Requests no links, tweets, or shared content ...thx!

You know, I DO know that I have

value…but I also know that I get trapped into the same old painful anxiety about “living up” to my family. This is a combination of the abuser using what my family did anyway as ammo for the abuse.

Something along the lines of: “If you were worthwhile, then they wouldn’t….”

and that created my ego need for them to tell me I had value, that is, to undo the abuse. Away from my familly? There are people who value me, there are people who love me and there are also people who think I’m a waste of time, all of which is just fine.

The abuse makes what my family does/did into a continual trauma trigger for me and they have their own reasons for being who they are.

We are all the products of broken marriages and/or single parent families, and two of us had at least one alcoholic parent. This was in the 1950s-1960s when such things were WEIRD!

Their “fiction” collectively is that they have no problems as a result of the divorce(s), step and half siblings, step parents, alcoholism, etc. Me? I had so much on my plate, had no other support network, etc. I am neither a gifted money manager nor a genius, so I had nowhere to “shine.” They are who they are, what got them praise as kids is almost a direct line to who and what they are now.

If I’d gone that route, I’d have committed suicide, become a druggie or an addict of some kind. I HAD to deal with the crap, or it’d kill me/take me over.

It puts us in diametrically opposed positions. I couldn’t survive without dealing with the crap and much of their “successes” demand that they have no crap. So, I’m the kid yelling about the emperor having no clothes.

Right? Yeah. Popular? No…because it just makes you see how much of a fool you’ve been. Not comfortable.

Nowhere to meet in the middle on that one.

Do I have value? YES I do! Will my family tell me so? No, they can’t.

I appreciate the comment, I do. I was just exploring what had occurred to me, that is that I was avoiding the issue because it is likely to be expensive emotionally. There will be no going back, one way or the other, so I have been putting it off.

Dumb? Yes. Human? Yeah, that too.

jkd

JudithKD Requests no links, tweets, or shared content ...thx!

btw, HC...

your comment/this thread got me working on the memoir again…

THANKS!

jkd


JudithKD has gotten 4 cheers on this entry.

 

I want to:
43 Things Login