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because of I wasn’t sure/couldn’t admit what?
So I got there. The memoir, when finished, will absolutely put an end to any notion that I have a birth “family.” Although these folks aren’t good for me, and are in fact toxic, that doesn’t mean I don’t love them. The final nail in the coffin has been something I haven’t wanted….
Of course, I’m happier without them in my life overall, but optimist that I am, I kept hoping that somehow there’d be a day when the two people I’m most closely related to would look at me and say I had value to them, they thought I was a fine human being.
It isn’t going to happen.
The millionaire can’t do that, their ego need is to have the best, most, brightest, etc. a magpie. Anything that admits I have value diminishes them, why I’m not sure, but that’s what their behavior over the past 50+ years indicates.
The egghead may have thought that I had value, but has no words. This person is a genius but probably would not understand why this was important. More, it would get precariously close to the possibility that they are not as trouble free from our mutual past as they want to believe.
My ego needs and theirs are in direct conflict. The memoir, since it’s from my perspective, cannot support the myth that everything is okay between us since from my perspective it has NOT for most of my life.