I gave up. I am sick. Feel awful. and just don’t see why it’s worth trying. and I’m not even sure what I mean by “it.” I feel like every time I come to this site I’m on the other extreme of life. Either full of faith and encouraging others or ready to hug the nearest stranger just to keep going in my own life. I don’t feel so unstable, but I sure sound like it on here. So sure of God one minute, and then a few days later not sure of anything. And right now? I don’t want to rise to the challenge and defend anything. Which as I write my conscience is kicking and screaming to start going off about how I truly do believe in God. okay, so I do. but right now I want to forget. how pathetic is that. I want to forget fighting battles of the spirit, I want to forget jumping hurdles (by the way I still have one left and don’t even want to bother, sigh), I want to forget I’m sick with this current malaise, and I want to forget I’m sick at all ever period. I want to forget the problems of my past, the people of my past in some cases, the me of the past in others lol, but what’s odd is all the positive things I want to forget. Like God. and faith. and hope. I don’t even want to bother. I want to forget encouraging words people have told me.

i guess i want to forget everything that doesn’t seem to have panned out or seem certain. and not much does right now. I already told God I wasn’t strong enough to have faith over my crummy feelings right now.

And i know some people think it’s a sin to wish you were already in heaven, but hello, I’m human. You tell me about a place as great as that and expect me not to occasionally wish I wasn’t already there and you’re nuts. just sayin’. :)

am I so weak to cave simply because of sickness? yes. and that’s what I hate even more. I never used to be this way. I used to be a fighter. now? I’ve been beaten down so many times, I don’t have the strength to rise if I’m just going to end up beaten again. I hate that somehow the stuffing in me’s been knocked out over the course of my life. And I know people say you’re stronger for rising from the ashes, but can’t they see that you use that last bit of strength to rise. But you’re still a bit singed from the whole ordeal yourself? sigh.

and 1 last hurdle lurks in the distance warning that the deadline is ever so closer than I have time to prep for. and I feel like I hear a voice say “Fail” as they stamp that over the picture of this scene. and I don’t even care anymore. I’m not crying over it, I’m saying, whatever.

lovely. super. excellent. fantastic. grand. whatever

~ not choosing_anything anymore…. for now anyway, until another wind blows and suddenly I’m apparently all ready to smile again just so that another wind can blow me down from it…. wonder how many cynics call themselves realists. oh well.