jane can't figure out how to move forward
The worst of my shock and fear over failing my final course has passed. Now, I’m trying to refocus.
I applied for unemployment today – which I never realized I could do (and so missed out on 8 months of eligibility). Getting even a little bit of money to tide me over while I’m finishing my final class and looking for work will be a huge help (especially since paying for the final class is wiping out the last of my savings).
I signed up for my new final course – a statistics class. I’m actually somewhat excited about this and it’s beginning to make me think that maybe there is a silver lining in this disaster.
After spark told the story of the farmer, who comments “who knows what is good and what is bad?” I was chatting with my neighbor about this crisis. She mentioned that the Chinese symbol for crisis is composed of the symbols for danger and opportunity.
It turns out (according to someone who seems like he knows) that this isn’t actually true, but I like the idea of it: that there is opportunity in crisis.
The following evening I was talking with a friend about an upsetting conversation I’d had with my mom (where my mom went through the litany of bad moves and mistakes I’ve made, that have made my life add up to nothing), and my friend (who is also not considered successful by conventional standards) said,
“I refuse to believe that my life is a mistake. I prefer to ask myself, ‘If none of this is a mistake, then what is my life about?’ After all, I don’t know what the big picture is. I don’t know whether there’s reincarnation. Maybe I’m just burning off karma. Maybe I’m not done yet. When I think about my life, I realize I don’t have much experience with DOING, but I have a good deal of experience with BEING, and some level of understanding of being. Since I don’t know what the purpose of my life is, who am I to judge whether this is failure or success?”
I really loved that.
What if none of this is a mistake? Then what is my life about? Who knows what is good and what is bad? Maybe in this crisis, there is some opportunity for insight, finding a new direction.
These similar bits of advice are all pointing me toward a way of keeping on going / keeping on being.