I am not a religious fanatic or somethin. Don’t get me wrong. I am a mathematician who obviously had too much philosophy/math classes.

Being a 19 year old mathematician, I am obviously a logical person. No one can make me assume something (I refuse to say believe because it has a deeper meaning than assume) unless it is proven. But due to recent discussions that I had with a mentor, readings that we are supposed to ponder on, and a certain ‘almost’ accident that ‘almost’ took my life in more ways than one (three ways to be exact), I am now seriously asking myself things about God.

Being a mathematician, I have encountered a few historical figures like Descartes who had ‘theories’ on God, chaos, time, order and things as such. Also, I have encountered studies on various models that simulate almost everything… and of course that emerging, but not necessarily new idea that is round and about these days on the underlying math in everything… from people’s behavior, collective bahavior, climate, movement of the universe, time, the golden phi,... dimensions, etc. But all in all, these mathematics that is hidden in everything SEEM to be interconnected, in a sense, although there is no proof for that. A manifestation of God in Math, maybe? I don’t know.

I have been an atheist for a long time but now, i am not quite so sure on what I believe in… At first, I accepted God as some form of order… but just that… no merciful/kind characteristics about him that ‘humanizes’ him. I always thought that he was some kind of algorithm. That he was the system of the universe, the underlying order of things that would not go wrong. Like that voice etched in the human brain to do the most natural things to do.

Yeah, that was kind of explanation is a bit vague. Let’s try to give an example. When you smile at someone, tendency is, that someone will smile back. God does not will you to smile or does not will the other person to smile back. The two of you just do and that is the supposed order of things… And God is within that… But he does not will anything there.

But then, stuff happens and I am not so sure. He stops being an algorithm but starts being a person who can love. He COULD go against the order of things out of love. And… well Im not sure…

Well, its terribly confusing and all… I know that it is impossible to understand him completely but at least i tried.