An incident a while back that sparked off this writing…

I wanted to help my sister put Granny to bed. Granny needs a hot
water-bottle every night, and so I thought I would help by getting it
ready for her. Its not a hard thing to do, and I thought it would be a
nice gesture of help.

The ‘hottie’ as granny calls it, leaked; the lid was not on properly,
and it soaked the cover of the hottie, the sheet, the electric blanket
(which was off thankgod), and through to the mattress…

I was in the bath when my sister found out what had happened, and it
ended up causing her so much more work, than if I had just done
nothing! Granny got to bed ok, but I had this feeling like I should
have just not bothered helping, and that made me feel like I was
helpless…

Shit happens.

I act on impulses, and well, no matter how much I try to predict what will happen, it wont always turn out the way i expect.

One impulse I have is to be helpful.

Sometimes everything I do seems to go wrong, and no matter how
positive my intention behind what I try to do, things get in the way, and things I didn’t expect happen, which make me feel like it was all a mistake to even try.
My efforts to help only make things worse, and the best of my
intentions seem to cause more damage than if I had simply ignored
them.

this can make me feel that I can't help my self, and that I can't help others. Its as if a feeling of helplessness overcomes me.

I know that there are lessons in everything, and its likely, I
imagine, that making mistakes is what makes us human.

I am such an idealist when it comes to personalities. I really try to be perfect. I wish that one day i will be able to embrace my mistakes, rather than regret them.