BlackSwan90 At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
I feel like my boyfriend is… I suppose you could call it… The One. I do believe in that stuff… I believe in soul mates… Finding your best friend in a partner and all that. I think, no, I know, I found it in my current boyfriend. We are so alike yet still different so we go together like yin and yang. Argh, cheesy I know. But…
I’m thinking… I’m probably not The Right Girl in his books, as much as I like to hope I am, deep down I have a feeling that it isn’t true. The dirty, brutal honest truth is probably that he has not found The Right Girl in me and how on earth could I ever expect otherwise? I am neurotic, I am dependent (not just on him, but everything), I am jealous, I am immature, I have a lot of demons and I’m an all-round utter failure of a person as of right now so why, why would he want anything further to do with me beyond this, whatever we have? I fear he finds other women sexier and saner than me and finds them more attractive both in appearance and in personality, it would be completely understandable. It hurts to think he has not had ‘the lightbulb’ go off in his head that I’m the right girl or the motivation to completely have me (I don’t mean marriage). It hurts that he does not think of me as something to be proud of and be happy about. I sound like I’m assuming, maybe I am.
Awful entry, I know. Defeatist. But don’t I need to accept reality and let go of dangerous delusions? Realise that all may not end up dandy with him and learn to be OK with that? I guess this goal links to ‘Be more independent’ and ‘have better self-esteem’ so can become carefree sexy woman with no man worries. And why can’t I become completely carefree about men? I would LOVE that. I am in my greatest fantasies lol. Maybe I’ll make a new goal for this and then focus my jealousy issues on dangerous comparisons with other girls, not related to BF. Which I also do a lot of.