2 weeks later and I know I felt just like that on that day.
But, one week later and we went out for dinner…
We had an enjoyable evening, and ended with a hug and a kiss, but…
I was reminded of all the instinctive ways of thinking and talking that M has that make conversation hard work and a constant effort to stay in touch with my true self. She just basically has a bias for sarcasm and slightly cruel humour when talking about anything which makes it very difficult to feel supported or that you’re having a fully honest conversation. I think I know her well enough to know that it’s a front as a result of the tough farming family she grew up in. Underneath it her intent is genuine. But I know that I’m very vulnerable to that kind of low level criticism and end up not feeling valued and cared for if I stick around in range of it.

So I think I’m looking after myself by just keeping this as a friendship and not getting in any deeper.

And I think my feelings 2 weeks ago were as influenced by the endorphins of being at a good friend’s wedding and meeting other long-standing friends as having taken M with me.

Ho Hum. The alchemy of life.