Sherlock is at PopClogs now.
It’s 2:00 on Friday night, and even though I came home exhausted, I can’t sleep. Sonchild came home from college tonight, and we have a very nice dinner together, but still I can’t sleep.
I can’t sleep because of the pressure of this nasty problem festering at work. I can’t sleep because I’m worried about the official report I’m preparing, in which I’m trying to undo years of misreporting from previous directors. I can’t sleep because I’m worried about my health again, and my inability to even make the appointments to get it checked out. And I can’t sleep because my boss once again gave me a backhanded compliment, in which he praised by performance as a leader, but criticized my productivity as a scientist.
I can’t win for losing (favorite saying of my father).
I’m worried. I’m worried that the stress is building to an intolerable level. That my BP will blow one of these days when I’m having one of these headaches that just knock me out. That I’m doing irreparable damage to myself by trying to meet all of these needs. My soul feels hurt.
Even my sweet new secretary has noticed it. She sees how hard I’m working—heck, this week I worked 60 hours in 5 days. She commented sadly today that she knows I’m not happy. I’m NOT happy. I feel hounded, in a leadership positive that demands so much effort, which is seriously misunderstood by the people I serve, and which costs me so much in terms of my own work.
Buy I am trying to hold on, just hold on, through the last of these major responsibilities, and then free myself this summer by quitting these extra responsibilities. I’ve already notified by Chair. I don’t think he much cares or much believes me.
It’s so sad. I’ve done everything I can for this program, but it just isn’t enough. And meanwhile, I need to find a way to sleep….