I’ve always been somewhat fat… Never been thin. At one point I did drop several pounds, but that’s because I wasn’t really eating much and my metabolism slowed down horribly. My mom put me on a diet last year, and as the pounds started to drop, I started to feel more determined. I went to the gym every day, began to eat less and less… When I went to parties, the pressure to pig out was just too much. Was my last meal really yesterday morning? Well, just one cupcake wouldn’t hurt…

After that, I’d feel so horribly guilty about it. I’d find myself on the dirty bathroom floor, fingers down my throat, half-sobbing and half-puking. I convinced myself it was a one time thing but boy, was a wrong.

Didn’t eat anything anymore, aside from a fat-free yogurt at lunch. But when I got home, I found myself cramming food down my throat and purging it up not 5 minutes later. I hated it, but I knew I couldn’t stop.

I didn’t believe I had an eating disorder. I couldn’t be one of those people, couldn’t be so messed up… Could I? At this point, I didn’t know. I strongly refused to believe I was anorexic, but I ate so little…. But when I got home, I stuffed my face and purged it! So if I did have an eating disorder, what did I have? Thoughts like these clouded my mind all day, every day. I was so confused.

My parents just recently noticed how little I’ve been eating and even caught me purging. I go to a therapist now, she’s really great. Though I still don’t fully believe I have an eating disorder (denial, that’s what the therapist calls it), I’m doing my best to eat normally. I’ll be strong enough to do this, I know I will be! And you’ll be strong, too. (: