That’s the sound I made as this depression that I have been battling in cycles over the past 6 months finally hit bottom last week.

I was at an appointment with my behavioral therapist last week when her asking me how I’ve been doing elictited the simple answer of “overwhelmed.” As we talked over the next hour, I talked about how I didn’t mean overwhelmed by my classes, my dissertation, my health, or my financial situation, all of which have been exacerbated in the last 2 or 3 months. I meant all of that and more. I have been feeling overwhelmed by life. Everything and I do mean everything feels like work and feels like more than I can handle. Even adjusting my fantasy football roster feels like pressure right now. Anyway, spilling my guts about how overwhelemed I’ve been feeling coupled with her talking about the physical changes my therapist has noticed in me as a result of the MS triggered a bit of a breakdown that really sent me plummeting emotionally.

I thought I had it reined in last weekend when I went home, but that I was before I told my parents the result of my meeting with my dissertation advisor. Essentially, he likes my argument in the chapter I gave him and he thinks it’s a good draft, but he had lots of things he still wanted me to do, which will be 2 or 3 months worth of work. In short, it makes graduation in the spring an impossibility. I explained all of this to my parents this weekend. They weren’t mad at me, but I almost wish they had been.

My Mom’s first response was “What are we supposed to do? We’ve told all these people you’re going to graduate” ( I didn’t tell them I was. It was all on their own) “What are we supposed to tell people?” This initial bit of self-centeredness on my Mom’s part gave way to her saying “I know one thing. I’m not telling anyone else anything about you anymore.” and ultimately led to “I guess I’m just going to have to accept that you’re going to be there forever and never graduate.” My Dad verbally agreed with everything she said. Losing my parents’ faith in me and belief in me hurts, as does the suggestion that they aren’t proud of me anymore. Losing their belief in me felt like another trapdoor had opened underneath me, which lead to me dropping to the bottom of the hole where I am now sitting.

The good news is that I do believe this is the bottom of the hole for this bout of depression and I’m ready to figure out what I can do to begin climbing out of it.