I was doing so well. Eating everyday; keeping those negative thoughts to a minimum. But now here I go again. Back to the basics. I tend to pass my addictions around like I’m playing some perverse game of musical chairs; a different winner every time. I stopped purging and started cutting. I stopped cutting and started drinking. But wait-drinking made me gain weight, so back to restricting. I’m not sure why I do it. I guess it serves as a distraction from my mind. I don’t have to think about anything. I don’t have to remember anything. I can sneak thoughts of calories and numbers into my mind and push everything aside for a while. I know it sounds cowardly and pathetic, but I can’t help but fall into the same routine every time. And I’m not sure I want to stop. Because without it, what will I have?
HardSun is taking it slow.
Have you tried a 12-step program?
That emptiness – without it, what will I have? – is really what 12-step programs are there to address. Yes, it’s about letting go of the drinking, the purging, the cutting, etc., but more than that it’s about finding something in life that fills our needs rather than just silencing them. It’s about recovering from the inside out, in supportive company. I honestly don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t found my program. It’s one option for you, if you haven’t tried it yet.