trusting an untrustworthy person when you believe them to be trustworthy is not an offense-you thought them to be worthy of your trust based upon interactions that led you to that conclusion. It sounds like your confidence is shaken in your ability to read the true essense of people and of course you felt betrayed. They were the culprit, not you. I can understand feeling betrayed, but do not take it on yourself. Be gentle with yourself dear wren, you, nor I, nor any of us, are all seeing, all knowing and able to read the intentions of all. You were leading with you heart - the bery best way to live. You did nothing wrong.

a good book, what is it called?
I think you’re right about forgiving yourself for trusting the untrustworthy person, so you can move on. Which doesn’t mean you did anything wrong of course, you obviously did not, the other person is the untrustworthy and hurtful one. But completely forgiving them would probably, as you said, mean them actually approaching you and seeking forgiveness. Which you can’t make them do, it’s up to them. And it’s easy to be hard on ourselves once we start thinking things like “why did I do that? Why did I trust that person?”. So working on self-forgiveness sounds to me like a good way to let go of it, be nice to yourself and stop letting it hold you back in other relationships. After all, we’ll all run into stupid, mean and untrustworthy people every now and then. It’s not our fault. I think you trusting them shows you’re a nice person who think good things about others!

I’ve thought about some similar things recently, I think self-forgiveness in these situations is just as important as trying to forgive others. Or maybe more important really. I tend to be really hard on myself for not making a stand more, keeping up my boundaries better or telling people when they’re crossing the line.

forgiving yourself is the hardest forgiveness.

I’ve been thinking about this lately too. It’s important not to lose sight of the fact that everyone makes mistakes. I know I really hate it when I make a mistake and I can have a disproportionate reaction – it eats me up inside – whereas if someone else made the same mistake, a lot of the time I’d probably think it was no big deal, or it could be fixed. So sometimes it helps to ask myself if someone else had made this mistake, would I blame them as much as I blame myself? Why should I be kinder to other people than I am to myself? Am I holding myself accountable to a rather grandiose standard of perfection?

If this had been a really culpable mistake to make, something everyone knows is wrong (like e.g. driving when drunk and causing an accident or something like that) then it would be understandable if you were beating yourself up about it. But trusting a friendly-seeming colleague is something that could have happened to anyone. How much to trust people is a matter of judgement and different people will have different opinions about it.

It’s not that obvious that you made a mistake here, as it was the other guy who behaved like an arse and abused your trust. He is far more to blame than you. Hopefully the results weren’t catastrophic and maybe you could view it a useful lesson that you need to be slightly less trusting with people until you know them better. But for god’s sake don’t go back down to zero on the trust-o-meter, because as you say, being hard, closed up and guarded isn’t a nice place to be. I really hope the book helps!

_{I think I could probably use the chapter on acceptance to help me come to terms with my bloody annoying colleague! ;)}

“The book spends many pages telling offenders the steps they should take to earn forgiveness, steps such as listening to the person’s pain & offering an apology.” Do you think this guy will follow this step? There are some people who never ever ask for an apology.

I’m like why did i act so naive. Then i think can i trust a new person. Should i wait to open up to them ? Do they trust me.

I opened up to Jimmy. Not that i think he's going to tell anyone but there is the smallest chance. When Jeff 1st started telling me this or that I was kind of surprised . I thought we hadn't been hanging out that long and didn't really know each other that well/ I recently told him something big and I would say I'm almost certain he won't tell anyone. Of course there's a little part of me that wonders if he would if we stopped hanging out. I don't think he would. He doesn't seem at all that type of person but i guess i have trusted people sooner than i should have in the past and it just makes you feel like you should have known better.

I’m have almost totally forgiven myself but I’m still not there. I guess i need to accept that i need to think what i need and what i want rather than what someone else thinks i want or need.

The more time away from negative, untrustworthy , selfish annoying people the easier it gets.

My little spiritual formation group is working its way through a workbook called “The Way of Forgiveness.”

I really didn’t want to do this one, but maybe that means I probably need to do it. I think the two people I need most to work on forgiving are my ex-husband and myself.

Hope this works out for you, wren!

I see forgiveness and reconciliation as 2 different things. For forgiveness (I know I’m way late on this topic by 2 months), I see this as one sided. Though I have not read the book you are talking about, I would disagree there is not true forgiveness unless the offender apologizes or to that ilk.

What if the offender is dead? Is there no true forgiveness then? I see forgiveness as one-sided and irrespective of whether the offender acknowledges the wrong done or not, or can.

Forgiveness releases the deep roots of bitterness that form when you don’t release the offense. Releasing the offense does not absolve what was wronged, nor does it say it was ever okay, but it’s saying you let it go and you will no longer let it negatively eat at you.

The deeper the offense and connection, the intensity of the offense will often mean that forgiveness will be a process and could be a very long process, as the offense can bring up many aspects that need to be forgiven.

A great example for me is with regards to my ex-husband. I’ve had to repeatedly forgive and release over and over. It’s still not easy, but it has become A LOT easier as I’ve practiced this step what seems like tens of thousands of times over the past 5 yrs. It’s not allowing ANY plants of bitterness to really take root and grow into this ugly monster plant.

My ex doesn’t acknowledge any of what I’ve done, but that is his issue, not mine.

Reconciliation is different. That is when it’s between at least 2 people – the offender and the one offended. It is basically making amends through apology and maybe some other actions.

I liken forgiveness as tending to one’s garden. The seeds of weeds can come planted into your garden. As you attend to those weeds of unforgiveness and pull them out as you see them appear, it is easier. However, if you water it, let it take root and grow into a big, nasty plant, it will be much harder to uproot.

The more you tend to your garden and keep it free from weeds, the things you are intentionally planting will have greater ability to grow, thrive and be productive.

No, you don’t have to forgive anyone, but who does it really harm? Just like, you could let those weeds grow and take over your garden and choke out the life of all those good things. Who does that really help?

Sometimes forgiveness is easy, and other times it’s really hard and takes years. If it were so easy, then everyone would easily do it. To forgive, is a choice.

Today and every day I choose to forgive those who have offended or harmed me. It hasn’t been easy, and some may never face judgment in this life, but I know, in the end, they will.

Choose to forgive.

As for reconciliation. It’s not always possible to reconcile with every person. Some people are so abusive, dysfunctional, narcissistic, they can’t be reconciled with until they become a mentally & emotionally healthier person. We can’t control or change others. Only they can allow themselves to change and take those steps necessary to do so.

Sorry for the long rant. I feel that though I have not written a published book, that I am an expert on the topic of forgiveness, as I’ve practiced it daily for more than 5 yrs now, beginning with an assault that occured now nearly 7 yrs ago.

I’ve done this, as most of us have… trusting someone who we shouldn’t have. (My particular mess all started at the end of 2010.) But something important I’ve learned is that: “Okay. It’s out… I am what I am including being vulnerable. I will survive this, learn, change around my thinking and what I see in people… but most of all, I’ll be just fine.” It takes a strong and gentle Human person to be vulnerable. Cheers to you for your trustworthy nature and human-ness.