I was a mom first. A company owner second. a wife or significant other during most of the time. Had both parents. Siblings.

Now, the time has shifted. The original group which gave meaning to my life is over. Or about to end. A real who moved my cheese moment.

The needs are very different and no longer provide the “after work” meaningfulness for me. I must go find what value and meaning I can bring to the lives of others in a different room now. A different place.

It puts me into that space: what do I care about? who cares about me? how do I make my life meaningful in a new way to a new group of people while still holding those I love in a different level of attention?

It feels like starting over. Empty nesterhood. I guess it is starting over.

I feel like I understand, for the first time in my life, friends who have not felt connected to anything, or can’t find their niche in life. It is a very uncomfortable feeling. Rare. Almost new. Awkward. Frightening. Yet, full of potential to reinvent what comes next.

I keep imagining a life of living somewhere else. A well crafted escape to a place that I can bring meaningfulness to me and “them”. Don’t know who “them” is. I just know it isn’t here.

It feels like a need to break free from the binds that keep me stuck in a certain slot here in my life. I feel I can see the life I want. It isn’t here. It isn’t with the city I love. It isn’t with the people here. It is somewhere else. Somewhere where I am needed in a new way for me. A new way for them.

This is a stream of consciousness for me. I just want to go. Maybe I find my way back. Maybe I don’t. But I am tired of watching from the sidelines when there is so much to be done.

I want to be alive in a new way. As the church bells in my town ring, it feels like a celebratory announcement. Like the wedding bells tolling. It is good.

New steps in a new direction. Let’s see where this leads.