i been feeling down. the only thing im enjoying is going to the gym as it makes me feel good. i like the addrenalin and endorphins rushing through me, putting me on a high. i like the feeling of my body changing and improving.
but otherwise everything in my life is sucking a bit. i probably come across as a positiveish person on here, (i think) but thats cos i try hard with it, and try and keep myself motivated but i used to suffer from depression in the past, and i can see its rearing its head lately.
reality is my life is a mess. and im jsut trying to survive it. i want to change things. but sometimes dont know how. this was not the life i had envisioned for myself when i was younger. i will not give up on myself, but its really hard, when ur never good enough. not good enough, clever enough, beatiful enough, etc. i think the turning point lately thats sort of made me feel crap is the failure of a recent relationship, it was only 5 months, and it wasnt even a committed relationship. but it failed spectacularily. i did however see the signs, and i had wanted to walk away from the relationship cos i wasnt feeling much love. it was unlike any relationship i had ever been in. i was “dating” a commitment phobic, romantically challenged person. jsut my luck. but he hid it well in the beginning. or maybe we both had our rose tinted glasses on in the so called honey moon phase, before the reality set in. and yeah i didnt like the reality much. end of the day, we ended up being incompatible. chalk and cheese. a lion (him) and a crab (me) – starsigns. remind me never to date a leo again! ha ha ha! i am proud of myself for ending it and walking away, because he was a coward and wouldnt do it and decided that treating me like shit and like i wasnt good enough was a better way to do it.
anyway, that kind of wrecked myself esteem a bit, and now im thinking bout the rest of my life. 31 years old, and this life is not the life i had hoped for. nothing really worked out really. im jsut wandering aimlessly along. but i know if i want to have a better life i have to change this life i am leading. i know this.
wish it was easy to do. guess i need to stop thinking and talking and start doing. and block these negative crittical low self esteem thougghts.
i know all of this. i do.