I guess I’ve known this about myself for a long time, but perhaps I was in denial. Perhaps I didn’t want to face the truth that, historically, I have based my self-worth on the attention I’ve gotten from men. This led me into an abusive marriage, followed by a mediocre relationship (it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t beautiful).

There’s this guy that I’m interested in right now. Totally crushing on him. And, bonus! He likes me, too. I even have it in writing. He has said “I really like you”... you don’t get much more clear than that.

Tonight, when I got home from my son’s band concert, I really wanted to message this guy. We spent most of the weekend IMing, texting, Skyping – it was great !!! Happy happy joy joy. I sent him a few little messages today (just a “Hey” “How’s it going?” kinda thing), to which he responded to. But tonight, I was, like I said, really tempted to message him again. I knew that he was online; it would’ve been easy. And, I know that he would’ve responded. But, I didn’t.

That wasn’t an easy decision to make. I really wanted his attention. I stopped and thought to myself, “Cricket, what are you feeling right now?” The answer that came back was lonely. I’d had a lot of attention from this fellow in the last few days, and now it wasn’t that intense. Panic alarms went off: what if he doesn’t like me? What if I’m not good enough for him? etc…. all those old messages came flooding back.

In the past, those panic alarms (literally – anxiety attacks) would’ve led me to message the guy and get a temporary fix of what I craved: attention. But how’s that type of behaviour working for me? If it really worked, then I wouldn’t be single right now!!

I felt my way through this mild anxiety attack, and let myself feel a bit lonely and anxious. Then, rather than contacting him, I did stuff for ME.

I know I’m not completely at that “love yourself” phase yet. I’m trying. But, I’m learning some very important things: I am worthy of love! But, that love of which I deserve needs to come from myself first. If I’m always seeking someone to fill me up with love, I will never be satisfied.