an effort to work through this and get through this.

I’m scared. shocker. I’m scared to do something routine in life because it will make me have to face my current symptoms and face they are most likely getting worse. These symptoms I haven’t really had like this since my life first changed years ago with the onset of everything. I’m suddenly back there, much younger, much more innocent and naive, and much more scared for it all. Only I have different doctors now, and they…. are saying it’s something completely different than I was first diagnosed with. They are willing to let me try out treatments as though it’s a re-occurrence of the original problem, but it makes me doubt all I’ve been through until I don’t even know what I had/have or anything anymore.

I’m scared to try the treatments too since they are not the exact kind I had back then, and well, I’m scared they won’t work. I could have a reaction true, but what if they don’t work. What will I do then? If I don’t even know what the problem is for sure because doctors can’t agree, how on earth can I even treat it at home on my own in the meantime?

Okay, body. I’ve always said in life, just tell me what to DO and I’ll do it. And I’ve usually said that to God I think. This time I’m talking to you, dear, amazing body. You can tell me what’s going wrong and what we need to do. You may not be able to make me understand what the name of the problem is or etc. but if I try and really just really listen to you as much as I possibly can, I know you will tell me what I need. I just am not strong enough, I’m just so weary of listening and trying, that I’ll be honest. I want to block you out. I’m tired of hearing and assessing all that’s wrong in my body, and I quite frankly want to forget sometimes how I feel, tune it out, and go fake being normal just for a few wonderful minutes.

Do you think you could get me better? Really. If I listened to you enough? Do you think we could get well? So that instead of listening for awhile just long enough to be able to forget you and make you shut up, could we actually get stronger, feel *better, BE recovering enough that you are giving me less negative feedback and directives. Because that wears me out eventually. I don’t want to have to constantly hear your warnings and critically important instructions. I want to go be happy and live, and I only listen because I have to in order to even get to fake being happy and alive. and besides it is kinda cool too that you can tell me so much about what I need if i’m quiet enough, long enough, to listen.

i know you depend on me. but i don’t like that responsibility. you seem like too much of a weight to take care of, and i’m weak.

moving out of my situation – got some people to help think that all out too, so it’s not just me trying to figure that out

health – have people present, but need more that can research and know for sure what tests should be run and how to read the results. would trying a new type of doctor find me someone who could actually have the ability to coordinate a whole-body analysis because they had the knowledge, were familiar with tough cases like mine, and I could trust their methodology of treatment?

emotions – have a few friends who will listen, and a few others I can always call to listen, but none are strong enough to support me fully or be in there with me, getting me through. Those willing to go through it with me, don’t know how to bear my burdens. Those able to bear my burdens, aren’t willing to go through it with me. lol have to sort that out a bit more.

could write more, but wearing out. partly though because this is weighing on me. I need to move, do the routine task, see how my symptoms are, face them, try out the new treatments, see if I react or not, see if they can make me improve, and face the huge fear of things getting worse because while I’m trying to get better. I could just use my limited energy to cope, right? If I use it to try to dare to venture to fix the problem, what will I do if things get worse and then I don’t have even that energy to deal with it.

ah, say no more…. c’est la vie. we’ve been through this a hundred or more times before, and we will have to find a way to get through this yet again. I hate it. You hate it. At least you and me body, we totally understand each other on something. lol :)

I tried writing it out. It was good what I wrote, but I’m not running to do what I keep saying I should. It’ll just have to happen when it happens I guess?

~ cf in progress