I don’t want to write this entry, but I’m too lonely to sleep.
Steve phoned to say he might not be able to come to see me for my birthday. His grandmother died last night and so he is staying put with his family until after the funeral. It would be madness for him to get on the train to see me for the evening, but as he is both mad and a saint he is considering it.
But the fact that he might not be here shifted the lid. I have been keeping busy and distracted to push my feelings down. Tonight they all came spilling out.
I might regret this, but after writing the above few paragraphs the only way I knew what to say was by talking, not by typing. I picked up my phone and recorded this:
If you click it, you can hear me talk. It’s mumbled as I am trying to be quiet (it was recorded at 6 o’clock in the morning), and maybe I am only posting it because I am too tired to know better!
I’ve wanted to make a recording or a video clip for months. I didn’t imagine the first one to turn out like this (I cry a bit), but I’m going to leave it up at least while I sleep. If I wake up and the idea makes my toes curl… well, we’ll see.