☼ℛhea☾ Though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil
Well, I am not sure how long this is going to be, or if anyone will really see it. But, last night I stayed up for hours thinking about exactly what happened to us these past couple years. I know Mai has already posted something on the subject however, I thought it might be a good idea for me to post something. In the end, I brought this whole family thing here… so I feel like I should give it some closure.
So… I guess this biggest question here is, “Was it all a lie?” I believe the answer to that is yes, and no. Better yet, I have no freaking clue. How could that be though? How can someone lie, and yet not lie? Basically, I’m pretty sure I lied to myself. See, I had just turned twelve when all of this began. I don’t even remember how I introduced it or what was going through my mind at the time, all I know is that I had this obsession with an imaginary land. There was a beautiful castle that I painted pictures of, and a forest with animals that could talk… There was the sea, which seemed to be in a state of perpetual sunset. This land was filled with sights and sounds and feelings. I could feel every leaf, smell the sea, and I could hear Sage. I could hear her speak to me and tell me I was special and important and loved. After a while the land moved out of my day dreams, and into actual dreams that I had about three times a month. I always found it interesting that I could talk to people here, and they said things that made sense. I began to believe Sage. I began to believe that maybe this place was real, and maybe I was a princess.
Eventually, of course, I brought this new found fantasy to Chatzy. Like I said, I don’t really remember what happened… except that I started talking to someone in my mind, and they answered in a way that didn’t seem like me. So, I began to repeat what they said online. Then, people believed me. They said “Yes, yes! That seems familiar! I can feel that!” These people, who actually seemed real, were accepting what I said and believing me. Some of them even claimed to feel these people, to remember things. They would tell me what they remembered and the voices would say “Yes, that is correct!” Then, my brain would fill in the memories for me.
Soon after, I began to learn how to meditate. Now, I could see things… just as I had in my dreams, only for as long as I wanted to. I would always enter on a specific path, and then I would ride toward Sage’s castle and talk to her. It felt different though; whenever I went there, I would always feel like I was on a rollercoaster just before I entered the land. I didn’t really know how to tell people how to do that, and Sage told me only I could.
Things progressed from there. We met new people (Bay, Izzy, Wolfie, Mai, May, Dina, Hope) and drama began. More and more people confirmed that they honestly felt something. More and more people began to be “attacked,” and spoken to. I wasn’t the only one experiencing this anymore. In the end though, I don’t think any of those things were what made me truly believe. It was the sense of family that I felt whenever I logged on. I mean, we fought and we bragged and we competed with one another. We threatened to leave from time to time, but in the end we almost always stayed together. To be completely truthful, I doubted the Sasstosa family on and off again. Yet, I never said anything because I was scared it would break what we had. I knew we had family, I just wasn’t always sure of how magical and mermaid-filled it truly was. Of course, as soon as I really began to doubt, someone would always come along with a new experience or someone new would talk to me.
Soon, talk began of going home. At first I was excited to lead everyone back to this perfect world. However, I always felt this nagging in the back of my brain that I couldn’t do it. On that first Halloween, I sat down and meditated and felt that roller coaster ride… and then nothing. What? What went wrong… Well, obviously I couldn’t do it. I stayed up for hours trying and trying again, until I eventually just went to sleep. Needless to say, that would probably one of the bigger disappointments in my life. Naturally, my mind came up with a reason for it.
Anyway, you can all see where this is going. I tried again the next year, I was older, and I still failed. I’m not stupid, and I know you guys aren’t either. I’m pretty sure we all figured out that there is a good chance that this isn’t as real as we thought in prior years. Then Chatzy began to break down for a number of reasons… the lack of that family feeling, the busy schedules, the disappearance of interesting conversational topics.
So… that is that. I don’t believe I lied, and yet I’m pretty sure that I did. I lied to myself, and subsequently lied to all of you. As real as it all seemed, I’m really starting to believe that it was just a fantasy in the end. Yet, I want to make it known that I really did feel everything. When Sage died, I cried. I cried for a really, really long time. It was personal. When I gave you guys bad news, and you were disappointed, I felt really bad about it afterward. I felt everything, and I know a lot of you went through the same emotional roller coaster as I did. I would say I’m sorry, except that I’m not. I mean, unless I have damaged one or some of you in a permanent way and caused you great amounts of angst and pain… then I am most certainly sorry for that. Although, I feel like we have gained a lot from this experience. I feel like it saved my life. I feel like I would be a pretty shitty person if not for The Sanctuary and the family. Hopefully, you guys at least feel some fraction of that… hopefully this has meant as much to you as it has to me. So… yeah, even if the chat breaks down and I never talk to a single one of you ever again, I want you to know that I will remember you, and that I love you, and that I am truly grateful that I was able to share this experience with you.
Comments are appreciated.