i am an INTJ and sometimes, my introversion really rears its ugly head and turns into a full blown, crippling episode. small groups and small talk kill me. i can do the song and dance for a while, but after each engagement I am completely wiped out.

i’m no good – i miss social cues and could never come up with the appropriate thing to say. the butterflies in my head emerge as dead moths from my mouth.

you must understand: I am AWARE. if you know me then you’d know I have learned about being an introvert and made effort to make things better. it does not change the fact that I am still and will always be an introvert.

it’s facebook in real life. it’s canned. it’s meant to be polite and engaging. it is contrived.

Canada has particularly been stressful in the sense that it’s harder to fit in with all the cultures in the pot. And I am in a particularly even more stressful situation because my group mates in school, whom I am now required to interact with recently and often for the coming months (until 2011) are to wit: Korean, Chinese (from China), Black and Spanish.. all of whom are painfully witty, charming and smart. they are kind and i love them to death and i have stretched myself thin just to win their approval.

i just came back from another group meeting yesterday and my guts have been in knots for hours. conversations repeat themselves in my head and i scrutinize and beat myself over each and every stupid remark i made.

i know. it’s just me. it’s just in my head. i just need time to get it over with, until the next group meeting…. it will get easier… it must

in the meantime, i mentally kick myself and watch Dexter.