buffalosnowangel “Our theories determine what we measure.” - Albert Einstein
I’ve been debating for a while about whether to post this entry or not; and am still unsure as to whether it’ll stay so please forgive me if I decide later to edit it out. If one of the several 43thingers who knows me offline reads this, I ask you to please respect my privacy as a fellow 43thinger and not share the contents of this entry.
I received some of the official news from the CC, and some of it was distressing. My specialist has sent my findings to some of the other specialists in the CC (some of the best in the country) and they all agree that it’s in my best interest to have a procedure done soon. I’m not about to be carted off to the emergency room, but it’s not in my best interest to wait either as the ramifications of doing so could be…well let’s just say bad.
That puts me in a difficult position with my job; not to mention mentally, emotionally, financially and physically.
I’ll be honest and say I’m freaked out. (To be fair, I think most people would be)
I’m unsure of what to do as far as letting people know goes. I would really like some support in dealing with this; but I also don’t want to deal with the sarcasm and ignorance of some of the people who will end up finding out. I’m not naive enough to think that anyone I tell would keep it to themselves. (I don’t think they’d share out of intent to hurt me in any way; but even spreading out of what they consider to be concern isn’t something I’d want. I don’t want to be a gossip topic, I want support.) Z’s mom works in a cardiac unit and when he told her, she is very concerned and asked me to please not wait. Considering that she’s rarely concerned about anything (health care provider numbness?) that has me more nervous than the personal call from the specialist.
I’m also unsure of what to do as far as having it done. There is only one doctor in Buffalo who does it, and I’ve never met him. Do I want to potentially put my life in his hands just because my insurance won’t cover having the doctor in Cleveland do it; or do I eat the cost and go there putting myself who knows how much in debt? Do I do it now? How long can I wait? They wanted less than two weeks from now so apparently not too long.
The worst part is that it’s unrelated to POTS; where some symptoms may ease but I’ve had this in conjunction with POTS. Fixing it will not affect my POTS in any way. Won’t put it in remission or cure it. Nothing.
This is such unbelievably poor timing.
I’ve just started a new job. I’m going back to school. I’ve worked so hard for years to do those things. I want to experience the new school/job jitters and butterflies; not be dealing with things like this.
All I know is that I haven’t had a nightmare free night since that f-ing phone call.
